Shyness is not a character flaw
If you have a child is reserved, and perhaps a little timid, there’s a good chance they’ve been described as shy. Shyness is a term often used to describe quieter children and, rather unfortunately, it seems to come with a negative inference. But here’s the thing: shyness in children is NOT a character flaw and it is not something that needs to be “fixed.” But there are many ways you can support your child. In this post I will share tips on how you can help your shy child gain confidence.
There are many ways you can help your shy child gain confidence
Parenting a shy child
My first-born daughter, Miss A, was a clingy toddler and experienced intense separation anxiety. At first I thought it would pass but it escalated. At home she followed me around like a shadow, and outside the home she would refuse to unleash her grip on my legs. Socialising with friends and their children only heightened her anxiety, and mine. If I left her side for a minute it caused her great distress. I looked on enviably as the other mums sat sipping cups of tea, chatting amongst themselves as their children played happily, without their involvement.
The playground was also hard. I watched the other kids confidently navigate the playground whilst my daughter cowered between my legs. She wouldn’t participate unless I participated too. I must have looked like a helicopter parent to onlookers but the truth was I wanted to be sitting on the park bench watching, not plunging down slippery dips! Ever wondered where my blog got its name? I really wanted to help my shy child gain confidence, but I wanted to do so gently.
At the age of two, Miss A had excellent language skills but she wouldn’t speak to anyone outside the family. I expressed my concerns to the maternal health worker and she told me to readjust my expectations. I realised that I had been expecting my daughter to behave according to how I did as a child; extroverted, sociable and confident. Instead of trying to change my daughter’s behaviour I worked with her to build her confidence. In order to help her feel more comfortable in social situations I adopted a gentle, supportive approach and altered my expectations. My role was to love and extend her, not to change her.
By the time she started kinder she was able to separate more easily from me, with the help of her furry friend, but she remained an observer. She was happy but unable to join in the group activities, preferring her own company and independent play. She once asked me how to make friends. That she wanted to initiate friendships with others was a big step, but it also broke my heart a little that she didn’t know how. Around this time I enrolled Miss A in a music and ballet class, and that’s when her self-confidence began to soar. Through creative expression she found a confidence that has slowly and steadily grown.
Miss A is about to finish Semester One of her first year at school. The past six months of Prep have been wonderful and she has moved from an observer to a participator. One of my proudest moments this year was her first “Share and Learn” session (Show and Tell in old school terms). That she was able address a classroom of 24 kids and 1 adult was a significant milestone and I will forever remember the sparkle in her eyes when she came home from school that day and enthusiastically relayed her experience. She remains on the quieter side in class (partly because she’s so focussed, thankfully not taking after her mama!) but she has a tacit confidence that will enable her to embrace all experiences fully. I couldn’t be prouder of my little girl.
What helps children the most is to know that their parents accept them as they are and have confidence that they will be fine.
4 ways to help your shy child gain confidence
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Readjust your expectations
Naturally, as parents, we want our children to be happy. We like to see them playing happily with other kids, confidently participating in group activities, able to speak with adults, shine brightly. But every child is unique and a confidence that grows quietly and confidently is often a confidence that will prevail. Parenting a shy child can be difficult at time. But I think that slow-to-warm = slow and steady. If you’re outgoing and sociable, and your child is not, don’t push them to be like you. Embrace their individuality and enjoy watching them grow.
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Shyness is not a character flaw
Shyness is temperament, not a fault. Many people don’t understand shyness and equate being shy with having a problem. They think a shy child must suffer from poor self-image. This is quite untrue. Many shy children have a solid sense of self and purpose and tend to be attentive listeners, exuding a warm presence without saying a word. If you are parenting a shy child, remember that we need all types of personalities and temperaments in this world, and quiet, shy people are an important, and indeed essential, part of that mix!
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Don’t apologise for them
There is no need to say apologetically, “She’s a shy child,” especially in front of your little one. Be conscious of the language you use. There is nothing wrong, and a lot right, with being shy. Kids who continually hear they are shy often feel they are doing something wrong, particularly if they sense that their parents want them to act in a way that is very different from what feels comfortable. When children are labelled shy it can lead embarrassment or, worse, shame. Remember, labels are for jars not people. Your role is to help your shy child gain confidence.
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Accept and support
Recognise that you are blessed with a sensitive, caring, gentle child who is slow to warm up to strangers, approaches social relationships cautiously, but generally seems happy. Embrace your quiet child and be gentle. Not every child needs to be gregarious. With love and support you can help your shy child gain confidence. What helps children the most is to know that their parents accept them as they are and have confidence that they will be fine.
Are you parenting a shy child? What has been your experience? Do you have any advice on helping build confidence?
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This is so true. My eldest boy is a shy one too – he is also just coming to the end of his first year at school and I couldn’t be prouder of how well he has done 🙂 It’s enough for me that he goes to and comes home from school happy – he loves the learning side of it which is a bonus. He plays with others but is also perfectly happy with his own company and his teachers have said this is, in many ways, a good thing as he’ll never be a follower.
When we’re out and about, especially with people he doesn’t know very well, he often takes a while to warm up – I’ve learnt to stand back and not force him to say hello/be sociable until he’s feeling ready and comfortable. HIs confidence has grown hugely since he started school but I want to encourage him rather than turn him into something he’s not.
Oh he sounds so lucky to have such a sensitive and attuned mum. I am so happy to hear he is thriving at school. He is happy, and that’s wonderful! It’s great that you don’t push him to be too sociable when he is in confronting situations. I have learned this is a much better approach. I think in the beginning I expected more of my daughter and felt it was impolite not to look at people and confidently say hello. But then I recognised how hard it was for her and I shifted my thinking and it has worked a lot with my other slow-to-warmer! As for my third, well she’s not slow-to-warm. She’s ready to bounce right into the action with no hesitation!! Thanks so much for sharing your experience 🙂
Same here – I have younger twin boys who are the total opposite!
As a person who was shy and quiet until my early adult years I want to thank you for writing this. Quiet / shy children are often observing and assessing the situation before jumping in.
Thank you! I really feel passionately about this. I worry that society seems to value extroverted behaviour more and I think this is crazy. Imagine how noisy the world would be if everyone was outgoing, loud and confident. We need a mix :-). Agree about the observant characteristic too. My girl is incredibly perceptive and not a lot gets by her without her noticing.
Totally agree with this. My daughter was the same. I thought she’d never stop crying at school and I, like you, craved being the mum at the side chatting and watching. Shyness is labelled negatively as though it’s a personality defect and some reflection on the parent. Of course it’s worrying but once they spread their wings they fly. My daughter is extremely confident – she likes what she likes and doesn’t bother showing up if she doesn’t. I have to say I can’t help but like her style sometimes!
Oh she sounds like she’s got spunk! I like hearing these stories about how children can grow and change. I find labels so unhelpful and people are so quick to do it. They can also be self-fulfilling. Even now I sometimes envy the other mums who seem blissfully unaware of their kids at a park or school pick up. Mine are always close – too close sometimes but I’ve accepted this is how it is – for now. Nothing is forever. Thanks so much for sharing your story Nicky 🙂
Interesting read! My son is quite introverted and I did find it hard as I was never like that as a child (though I have become more so as I get older…). I was worried he’d be unhappy but have learned that’s not the case. My ‘issue’ is that other people seem to think shy = ‘no personality’ – they coo over the outgoing show off kids who come out with smart / funny remarks while my boy looks on. I know he’s a sweet, funny, warm, sensitive child and people lucky enough to get to know him can learn that too 🙂
Spot on, Emma! There is a perception (unwarranted) out there that the confident kids are the ones with character. Agree that society seems to place a higher value on these characteristics. It’s messed up and I am going to write more broadly on this topic. I used to worry that people were missing out on seeing the real, Miss A, as she was so reserved and timid with most people. I knew that she was warm and funny and gorgeous but she reserved this side of herself for home. Your son sounds a lot like her and feel very blessed that you have such a sweet-natured, sensitive and caring young boy. He will go far in life. Just you watch x
What a thought provoking post. I have the opposite child, and often wonder what it would be like to have a more placid child. haha. How funny. But you’ve just shown the frustration of the other side, and exactly why we don’t need to be envious of each other’s situations and compare. – I mean, I had my kid on a toddler – monkey leash at Taronga Zoo on the weekend. I had so many stares. Just had to keep my child safe and my head high. I’ll share this on my FB page because I’m sure there are many parents who would benefit from this post.
Oh thank you Jess. Isn’t it funny? I can’t imagine ever having to use a monkey leash for ANY of my 3 kids. They stick close by and they each want to hold my hand. My 6yo is getting better but the other two would never be more than a metre away from me at any one time. Hope Taronga Zoo was fun and don’t think twice about the stares. You are keeping your little one safe. 🙂
Ah- this is so very well timed. I too had that shy toddler and I embraced her sensitive nature but now she is 11 and I have just received her school report. Where in the past they have said she is bright but she is quiet and needs to speak up, this time her quiet nature seems to be causing a real problem. The report says she is not an active learner, hesitant to get involved and being independent and she will not ask for help in class at all. Her grades are excellent but her teacher still feels after 6 months she doesn’t know my child. I am gregarious myself and I so badly want her to open up to her teacher-I’m afraid I do think that not speaking to grown ups when spoken to is a little rude. It seems the time has come that we do need to ‘fix’ this as she approaches high school . But I don’t know how to help her!? Telling her to try and speak up doesn’t seem like it will work.
Hi Victoria. Thanks for sharing your experience. This is really interesting. I agree that simply telling her to speak up is probably not going to work magic but perhaps you might have a conversation with her about WHY she’s hesitant to get involved. Is it because she’s shy? Worried about negative feedback? Anxious? Reluctant to get something wrong? I guess there are so many scenarios and your approach will be dictated largely by the reasons behind it. Has her teacher suggested ways you might be able to help? Perhaps engage the help of a behavioural specialist to work on some strategies to help her open up a little. Let me know how you get on, Victoria. Continue to embrace her sensitive nature as that’s such a lovely characteristic 🙂
Great post, Michaela. I have a shy little darling too, so I can very much relate to your post. I really dislike that being shy is seen negatively. My daughter used to get stressed out when people would ask why wasn’t she talking. She would pick up on the negative tone and that would send her even further into her shell. We’ve always taught her there’s nothing wrong with being shy. Sometimes some of us just need a little more time to warm up to others and that’s okay.
Thanks Renee. Yes, you’re absolutely right. Children are very perceptive and they pick up on the negative tone and can retreat even further. Your little girl is lucky to hear from you that there’s nothing wrong with a little warm up time. Nothing at all. Thanks for sharing your experience x
Reading this just now has helped me realize my son is fine, and I should t pressure him to be like me. He’s fine, in fact he’s perfection. He’s nothing like me, I also go on every swing and slide! And I love it but I’d prefer he do it with a child his age. I googled this because I just had a hard time watching my friends kids place tiggy while my so watched.
But that’s ok, because that’s his way
Hi Aimee, I am so happy you found your way to my blog. Sounds like your situation is very similar to mine, but slowly things have changed. Just remember, that although your son may be your support and assistance more than other kids his age now, does not mean it will be this way forever. It used to pain me to watch my little girl on the outer while so many kids played happily together while their parents were onlookers. Try to accept that it is this way for now and consider it a mini workout for you, without the cost of a gym! He will thrive and he’s lucky to have such an attuned, caring mama.