What’s the perfect number of kids?
I remember when I first mentioned the “B” word to my husband (then boyfriend). I wasn’t sure if he actually wanted children. One day, when I was feeling confident that our relationship had reached the right time for a grown up conversation, I asked him if he wanted a baby. His answer was brief. “The jury’s still out,” he said. Having come from a family of five children, I longed to create a big family and I hoped it would be with him.
Fortunately as time went by the jury came back in favour of children – or rather – a (singular) child. “Let’s just start with one and see what happens,” he suggested. I was happy with this – he was a logical guy and it was a step in the right direction.
Something clearly appealed to him about parenthood as when our first daughter was only 6-months old we decided to try for another. He was smitten with fatherhood and I had a really positive transition to motherhood. We were also lucky in that we conceived easily and our second daughter was born 17 months after the first.
But the third baby (bless you Miss H) did not come quite as easily. When Miss J was about 6 moths of age, I proposed we try for another, despite my experience being significantly different second time around. My husband felt that two was probably enough – the “magic number.” His reasons were simple. To have two healthy children was a blessing. Financially it made better sense to stop at two. And logistically we could be responsible for one each. He didn’t want to be outnumbered by them: Two’s company, three’s a crowd! My husband was happier with company but I wanted a crowd.
Such was my deep longing to have a third baby that I even suggested we try the techniques to influence the sex. My eagerness for wanting a bigger family was deeply embedded in my own upbringing. I came from a large family and I yearned to replicate it. My childhood was vibrant, chaotic and noisy. I loved the noise, and the animated discussions we had as we got older (and still do).
After many discussions we agreed to try for a third child but not out of hope for a boy, which is a good thing as we had another girl. The 6-month mark has long passed. In fact 15 months have now passed and this is the longest I haven’t been pregnant in a while. My husband is keen to have “the snip”, which would put an end to this chapter. I would like a fourth but I also know that for all the reasons mentioned above, three is probably the perfect number. I also have a feeling we would keep having girls and already there is far too much emotion in this house, and imagine what it will be like in ten years time!
Parenting is hard on a good day. Already there are many days when one child, or all three, require more attention than I can give. And I feel stretched to my maximum already. But despite this I could probably be stretched just a bit more to even it out to four. I know that cats work better in even numbers. I wonder if the same is true for children?
I also have a weakness for babies. I just love them and wish the baby stage didn’t go so fast. But my husband reminds me that I can’t keep having children just because I love babies. Just as puppies grow up to be full-sized animals, babies get bigger too, and their needs grow bigger too (read: expensive).
To add another member to the family would require a bigger car, a bigger washing machine, a bigger income and a bigger house! And really, how many years can you survive being tired?
Many of my friends have decided that two is the perfect number. And I understand their reasoning. The parent to child ratio is right. If you have more than two the children have majority control and every problem is bigger in numbers.
Not long ago, I met a woman in the park who was up to her 7th child and was reluctant to say it was her last. Whilst I think 7 is too many for me, I don’t want my husband to have the snip just yet. It’s too final. We know each other well. He knows I’ll ask for another, and I know he’ll say no. The 000’s are packed away neatly in a box, but the box isn’t going anywhere just yet…
What’s your perfect number? How many children do you want to have? And how do you know when you’re done? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this so please comment below.
i have 2 and want a third, my ideal number being 4 but time is running out for me 🙁
Also, i was one of two and two is something i know.
My husband was one of 4 (but all with huge age differences) so in a way they all looked after the one that came next. And notwithstanding the fact that he was one of 4 he is scared of having more (for the same reasons your husband gives)
It’s a toughie!
Yes, it’s a toughie!! In some ways, it’s hard for both parents to agree on the number for the same reasons. I think my hubby would have been happy with two (at the time) and I would ideally like 4, so we are kind of meeting in the middle with 3. I don’t know how my mum did it with 5, and she had far less help from her husband compared to me. Different generation – maybe they were tougher back then?! 🙂
Thanks for your comments. I’d love to hear an update so keep me posted….
Hmm. I’m okay with two at the moment (currently pregnant with my second), so need to see what life’s like with two rugrats. Haven’t ruled out a third, but given I like a 2-3 year age gap, time may not be on my side. My favourite baby age is from 4 – 8 mths. They’re so fat and squidgy around then, and you can still plonk them down and they don’t move (well, mine didn’t anyway!) and they’re *hopefully* sleeping for long stretches.
Ah yes, it will be interesting to see how you feel once rugrat 2 comes along!! How exciting. I think 2-3 year age gap is a “sensible” age gap for lots of reasons, but the downside is that if you do want a few of the, the baby years can stretch over a decade and if you are late (ish) to the party it can be hard to keep up 🙂
Agree that the 4-8 month age is lovely – they haven’t year reached their full ‘potential’ (read: destruction). Although I am a sucker for the newborn stage. Once they can’t be swaddled like a souvlaki, they are no longer a bubba….
Love this peace. All I know for sure is that you never regret the ones you have only the ones maybe you didn’t have.
Thanks Jacqui. Very true, but I also think you know when it’s right to stop, and you can never regret that 🙂
I’d love three, but I also want a big-ish age gap between them and time is running out! I think I’ll have to be content with two (or maybe just the one!) Don’t “they” say that women always want one more than what they have?
Yes, I think “they” do say that women want one more than what they have. It’s very hard to get the age gap right and the number right, all at the “right” time in your life. And biology plays a vital role too – there are some things you can’t control. Go for 3! x
Yep I think “right” is whatever happens! I think I’ve given up on three – two will do!
I have four… all very different, all equally adored, (at least one was an accident!:)
4 hey? That’s interesting that they are all very different. What’s the age gap between them? “At least one was an accident” – love it, a very happy accident I am sure :-). I would like a happy accident but hubby is onto me!!
Thinking three is enough. I am exhausted! I think you need energy for a big family and lots of it. Every single one of my friends and peers is stopping at two…but for me that seems like a teeny tiny family and I like a bit more chaos….three should provide that I hope!
Ha – yes three should provide the ‘chaos’ you are after!! So true about the exhaustion. In the last generation they started baby rearing much earlier and they had more energy. After all, the human body is designed to have babies in the 18-25 age bracket. Of course, I don’t regret starting layer but my energy levels are not what they used to be!!
I presently have four, but my youngest is my husband’s first (we are a blended family) My older kids are two adults and one teenager, so out on their own or mostly independent. We are thinking about trying for one more in a few months. We would very much like to try for a little girl now that my hubby has a son, but it mostly depends on how the doctor thinks I’ve recovered from last time. The next one will be the last for me if we decide to go ahead with it anyway. I told him even if it’s another boy I’m still done. 🙂
Your family sounds lovely. I hope that you get the green light to try for another. It’s such a blessing to be able to be able to create life. Do share with us your news if you are so lucky. Wishing you all the very best 🙂
We have 2 girls, 5 years apart, and they are both hilarious and wonderful. I am sooo very ready for #3 but Hubby is open to it, but still doesn’t feel its the right ‘time’ for another one. I thought 5 years apart was the magic number for us, and my youngest just turned 5 so I’m hoping the ‘time’ will be right for him sometime soon. 🙂
Hubby is an only child, so he originally said the same thing: “One is enough”, but loves being a Daddy, and I know he’s coming around to #3. I come from a family with 4 children and I love all my siblings and the experience of growing up in a full house. For my parents – when my own father drew the line after 4 biological, my mom got her ‘baby fix’ ,as she calls it, by becoming foster parents to over 50 children over the course of 25 years.
Oh wow, that’s such a lovely story. It’s so interesting that you should mention your mum’s “baby fix” by fostering children, as I have discussed this possibility with my husband. Sounds like your upbringing was similar to mine and so I totally understand why you would want to replicate it. Your hubby will come around to number 3. I bet he is closer than you think… Please keep me posted 🙂
Hello, lovely to meet you via the Rewind. I have four children but I didn’t mean to. We had two (and many problems along the way) and then a long break. I was keen for another, my husband said no for ages and then we did try… and had twins!! So, there’s a wee though… I met a woman with three boys who then had twins boys once. Gulp.
But there are no right answers are there? My hubby just couldn’t bring himself to have that snip after the first two… he did it smartish after the twins though!
Oh wow! Gosh, it’s always a possibility isn’t it. We really have no control over biology! I bet it’s wonderful to have twins though. My mum is a twin and I was quietly hoping I might have twins too, but I think it would have tipped me over the edge! Hilarious that your hubby wasted no time getting the snip after the twins. Thanks so much for connecting via the Rewind 🙂
Maybe the perfect number is simply the number you end up having
Put simply, and perfectly 🙂
I tend to agree with northmelbournemum – no matter what ideas you begin with, the number you have is just perfect. Thanks for Rewinding.
Thanks for the opportunity to Rewind! Yes, the final number IS the perfect number 🙂
I’m happy with two, although I did go through a stage of wanting a third after weaning Cerys. My hubby and I both came from families with two children so I think we wanted to replicate our own early childhood experiences.
Yes, I think it’s quite natural to yearn for another after you finish weaning. My baby decided on her last feed but didn’t give me enough warning, and so I never got to be present for her final feed. And I tend to agree that mostly people want to replicate their own childhood. Thanks for your comments Catherine.
I don’t know what my perfect number is. My husband has always wanted four. I always wanted two. Now that I have two, I don’t feel like we’re done. I love my cherubs to pieces, but think there’s more room in my heart to love more.
But we struggled to conceive both times, and needed medical assistance. I also have other health issues that mean pregnancy itself isn’t friendly to me. So we’re probably done. Probably.
Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing. x
Hi Emily. Thanks for your comments. I think it’s lovely that you have room in your heart to love more! I really hope that it happens for you but you also need to weigh up your health as well. Some poor women experience terrible health concerns during pregnancy and I think you are amazing for going through it twice. Probably done is very different from definitely. I asked my hubby to reconsider “definitely” to “probably” but he knows I will take “probably” as “let’s go for a 4th”!
Keep us posted Emily and thanks for sharing 🙂