Terrible tantrums
If the average toddler is wilful, defiant and impulsive, then my first-born defies the norm. Miss A is even-tempered, kind, selfless and happy from dawn till dusk. I anticipated the onset of the Terrible Two’s, but when she turned 2 she remained a compliant child. “Just wait till she hits three – that’s when the Terrible Two’s really kick in,” people said. But if anything, she became calmer, more self-aware and more empathetic.
Miss A has never thrown a true tantrum. Certainly not the type I have come to know with my other girls. The one time she chose to assert herself after missing a turn on the swing, she protested with a tentative and clumsy foot stamp. It was so out of character she looked uncomfortable in her own skin. After a momentary pause we both roared with laughter. Even when attempting ‘temper’ she could laugh at herself. Priceless.
But before you stop reading and put me in the same category as the mother whose baby sleeps through the night at six weeks, bear with me. What she may lack in temper my younger two make up for, and with combined force, they are currently vying for the Terrible Two’s award.
Miss J was an early adopter of the Terrible Two’s. And Miss H was so advanced she began throwing major tantrums at about 10 months of age. She’s now 22-months and is a walking advertisement for the typical toddler: defiant, impulsive and insistent. She’s also delightful and funny but she expects things to go her way all the time.
I’ve read a lot of material about how to manage difficult behaviour and tantrums. Like most parents I know what not to do. I know I am not supposed to shout; behave like a two-year-old myself, or run screaming from the house in despair. But it’s hard to know what to do instead when you’re confronted with a flailing, screaming, kicking ball of toddler anger.
I can’t provide the solutions in an 800-word post but I can say I’ve developed my own coping methods. It begins with deciding if it’s worth my emotion. It also pays to distinguish between a tantrum and a meltdown. I have more sympathy for the meltdowns that can be partially explained by fatigue, illness, or other external factors. But I have little patience for the irrational and exasperating tantrums that are all about self-entitlement.
Here’s how some of the tantrums go in our household:
The Wardrobe Tantrum:
Miss H throws this tantrum every morning after breakfast. The tedious battle goes like this: I present something for her to wear and she shakes her head and screams. I present a different outfit; she screams louder. She then throws herself on the floor, arms and legs flailing as I try to overpower her. It goes on like this for some time until I insist that she wear something ‘temperature appropriate’ or I give in and dress her in a sleeveless dress when it’s 10 degrees outside.
My latest approach to this tantrum is the “I can’t be bothered with another battle approach.” I simply walk away and wait for her meltdown to run its course and let the crying wash over me like white noise.
The Food Tantrum
Miss H and Miss J are fiercely competitive when it comes to the age-old dinner time battle. The first food I present is met with immediate and irrational tears. Miss H glares at me as though a poisining is about to take place, when really I am presenting the same ham and cheese sandwich that she devoured the day before.
I’ve tried every technique in the book. I’ve negotiated, pleaded, bribed, shouted all to no avail. Now, I save my energy for the witching hour battles. Stay with me, I really do have a solution for those. So instead, I present and then I walk away. I stay calm. I don’t shout and I don’t negotiate. “Eat or go to bed,” I say. “Eat or bed.” “Eat. Bed.” And I repeat until they get the picture. Miss H is determined not to give me a break in the middle of the day so she reserves some of her energy for that battle.
The Witching Hour Tantrums (plural as they seem to be consecutive between 4 and 6)!
You’re exhausted. Your day has been a perpetual battle and you’ve given everything you can possibly give. Your partner rings to say they’re going to be home late. You’ve tripped for the umpteenth time on the blocks littering the floor. You have no more patience and your child throws an ear-piercing tantrum over nothing.
You can:
a.) Burst into tears and run to your room and hide;
b.) Scream and shout at them and then be haunted with guilt later on;
c.) Try placating them by speaking calmly and rationally; or
d.) Walk to the kitchen, open the fridge door and pour yourself a glass of wine. Take a big, slow sip, blocking out the screaming just for a minute.
I’ve tried all of the above options and I find option d.) works best and then there’s half a chance of moving to option c.)
Do your kids throw tantrums? How do you manage them?
I haven’t had to deal with a tantrum (YET) but I’m printing out this post and placing it next to an emergency bottle of Gin …
Yes, planning ahead – good thinking!
Oh boy. Their tantrums can be fierce. Mine are always preceded with a ‘I’m very angry with you mum!’ Oh sweetie don’t get me started, I’m thinking in my head. Sigh. You’re doing amazingly by all accounts. I have one and could not even function if her number was tripled x
Well, yes, each child does add another layer of emotion to the mix. I wonder how long it is until they understand reason and logic?!? 🙂
How long from 2? Ohhh give or take 23 years? 😀
Yes Jeanine, I know plenty of adults who throw tantrums too! 🙂
Haha we have them here and I have an early adopter too! He started well before 2. At 2 and 4 months though things aren’t so bad now. I find this works for us:
1. If there’s full body flailing I walk away. The only thing I say then is “We can talk when you calm down”. I might repeat that a few times as a reminder if it goes on a bit.
I have a really big emphasis on calmong down here as his dad and I have both had anxiety and I’m worried about him being prone to it. So I’m trying to teach calming techniques early.
2. Once he is calm I sit him on my lap and explain whatever it is that has caused the issue. I ask him if he understands. I think we totally underestimate 2 year olds. They take in more than we realise. 9 times out of 10 he will willingly go my way then.
3. If he doesn’t go my way I do something similar to your food thing. My way or time out. I never give in at this point as I can’t send the message it has all been worth it for him.
4. I do everything I can through the entire process not to scream or get worked up. I’m far from perfect so I obviously do sometimes but every time I do I lose. It is impossible to calm things with 2 screing people. It simply doesn’t happen.
Ah the joys!!!
Such a great point about transferring anxiety. I think everyone of us suffers from it to some degree, especially in moments of utter exasperation. I like your tips 🙂
Hey, Michaela. My oldest had lovely tantrums. He would bang his head on the ground and body flail – the works. When this happened, I moved him to a spot where he couldn’t hurt himself or others and then sat nearby and waited it out. When he had calmed, I held my arms out and when he was ready he came to be held, sobbing with despair. I then told him that he was safe, that things were going to be OK and then I talked through why he couldn’t have what he wanted. I totally agree with Rachael – I think we underestimate our two year olds. My oldest is now just turned three, and his tantrums are much less full on and few and far between. In the past, we’ve often had food tantrums, but now, when he says that he’s not eating whatever, I simply tell him that that’s fine, but that’s all there is, and that he will want food later and there won’t be any (this has come from many occasions of not eating and not getting food later), and he sits and thinks about it, and then agrees that he should have a few bites. This is a son who refused to walk and would throw himself down crying for seven hours after falling over and getting a small (teeny-tiny – had healed within the 7 hours) scab on his knee. He’s very tenacious. There was one occasion when he fell over at the park, and I continued on to the market – I had to put him in the pram after consoling him for about twenty minutes, because he refused to walk, and put the youngest on my back – and he cried and howled the entire rest of the way there and while I started shopping, such that a woman approached me about how I was a non-caring mother and that I needed to pay more attention to my son, and countless others tried to “cheer him up” only to exacerbate the issue. I thanked the woman for her opinion and then told her to mind her own business, and then told my son, again, that if he stopped crying he could get out of the pram and help me shop and then I walked away. About 3 minutes later, my son called out dry-eyed and in a pleasant tone: “Mum, can I please get out of the pram and help you shop?”
Nowadays, the drama has stopped, on the whole, and if he falls over, he generally picks himself up, brushes himself off and goes on his way.
My youngest is now 17 months and he has started his tantrums, but he can be easily distracted – still, it’s early days…
Oh my gosh, Anna, I can’t believe that a stranger had the audacity to call you an “uncaring mother”. I am staggered. What right did she have to speak to you that way? How about a friendly “Is there anything I can do to help” approach. Gosh!!! You have some great advice here. The thing that I find so hard is walking away and waiting it out. With 3 little ones needing me at the same time, I don’t have time to wait it out. And so I find myself giving in with my youngest just to stop the tears and my head from exploding. The other tricky thing is consistency. On some days, I have more patience as my tank feels more full. On other days, I may have had barely any sleep and my reserves are at an all-time low. And these are usually the times where the tantrums really destabilise me! Thanks for sharing your experiences and I am so glad to hear that you are almost at the back of the tantrum throwing stage.
My son is now 5 and had very strong angry outbursts where he can be physically violent to us all including his older siblings. I sometimes have to lock myself in the bathroom to get away from him so he doesn’t hurt me. I can’t wait for him to grow out of it but I probably give it at least another year! Hope there is enough wine to keep me going! Xx
That sounds tough, Emma. Hopefully you are seeing some improvements with age and maturity. Yes, hope there is enough wine 🙂
Oh Michaela – I feel for you. Sometimes I think I’ve got it tough with my 11-week-old but after reading your piece I realise his meltdowns (almost always food, nappy, overtired-related ones) are easily solved. Interesting to see what I have to look forward to but I take my hat off to you dealing with three! 🙂
Ah, thanks Rachel. You know, it’s one of those things about parenting – the goal posts are always shifting. There’s always another challenge just waiting around the corner!! But, fortunately my first-born has never had a tantrum in her life, so I guess I was “due” to be hit with it!! 🙂