The grief is raw. All miscarriages matter
Statistically, I was “due” for a miscarriage. It happens to one in four women in Australia. But after three healthy, complication-free pregnancies, I never considered miscarriage to be a real threat. I had conceived naturally and with ease and felt very “compatible” with pregnancy. Foolishly, I didn’t think it would happen to me.
The conception of our fourth baby took a long time. Not in practice, but in reaching the decision. Being one of five daughters and blessed with a rich, vibrant and noisy family life, I yearned for a big family, but my husband needed some convincing. After a yearlong discussion of “should we or shouldn’t we?” we decided to roll the dice one more time. And to my delight it rolled in our favour.
My initial excitement at the possibly of a pregnancy was tempered by the imminent death of a close family member. In a collision of emotions, I delayed testing to give space to my grief. I couldn’t celebrate one new life while mourning another.
Just beneath my grief lay a thin layer of hope. My body gave me early signs of pregnancy but I waited until after the funeral to do a test. We went to yum cha with the kids for mothers’ day and then I felt ready to receive a gift of my own. My heart beat a little faster as I saw the second line emerge; faint as it was, it offered me the softest glimpse of happiness in a long while. We were going to have another baby. I was elated.
The following day, buoyed by the little life budding inside me, I went for a run. It was a glorious morning and the autumn hues were magnificent. The trees gracefully shed their leaves, performing a picturesque striptease. I smiled as I ran; believing I was running towards happiness.
But happiness was fleeting and within 24 hours I traded optimism for anguish. The spotting on my knickers was the first sign. While I had never experienced it before, I was not alarmed. I searched Internet boards to allay my concerns. Forums and chat rooms offered hope. Spotting was common. Even bleeding during the early weeks of pregnancy was common. There was nothing to worry about unless it got heavier.
But it did get heavier. And more painful. But it wasn’t going to result in a miscarriage. This wouldn’t happen. It couldn’t.
In a fraught attempt to defy gravity I lay down on the sofa for two hours in the middle of the day – not daring to move – believing if I remained horizontal and could not feel the blood seeping out of me, it was not real.
Only it was real. When I stood up and felt the resulting seepage, my whole body shook in fear. The cramping, described on the internet as similar to “period pain”, was nothing like menstrual cramping. It was sharp and mercilessly stabbed at my sides, and my heart. But still, I held onto hope.
By the end of the day my hope had all but disappeared. My husband watched on helpless as I sobbed on the toilet. He saw my naked anguish, which was raw and abrupt. Each time I passed pregnancy tissue, the remains of my hope were shed too.
I was losing my baby. I was losing a life I loved. Like most women, I had calculated the baby’s due date, mentally rearranged the kids’ bedrooms and jumped ahead to the baby’s birth. At six weeks gestation it was only the size of my pinky’s fingernail, but I loved each and every one of those precious cells. I cried most of the night, in a restless, anguished sleep with my hand over my hollow tummy, powerless over my own body.
When a mother has empty arms
I went to the doctors the following day to confirm the inevitable. She offered veiled hope and referred me to radiology for an ultrasound.
As I lay on my back, covered in the cold gel, I stared at the black and white monitor and my heart ached. Hot, silent tears fell down my cheeks as the sonographer prodded and probed searching for a gestational sack that had already passed. Unable to sight it she performed a painful internal ultrasound. “I’m sorry to say there is nothing there. It looks like a complete miscarriage,” she said, as she had likely said it many times before.
Like most mothers the guilt rose within me and the self-interrogation began. Was I responsible? Was it my age? Why hadn’t I taken folate? Was it linked to my stress levels? But, no, my GP assured me it was nothing I had done, or not done. It was just a standard miscarriage. Only there was nothing standard about it. I plunged into raw, primal grief. I was not only mourning the loss of a pregnancy; in my eyes, we had lost a baby, a toddler, a child, and a life. And the loss penetrated my every cell.
Later that day as I lay on the couch, unable to process my grief, something lovely happened. My four-year-old quietly lifted my blanket, lay down with me and placed her head on my chest. She didn’t say a word (outrageously rare for her) as I stroked her hair, softly and solemnly. Within minutes she was asleep; a child who hadn’t fallen asleep on me since she was a baby. I listened to her rhythmic breathing, in time with my own, and watched her chest rise and fall. And in that moment I have never been happier and sadder in my life. It struck me that love can hurt as much as it can elate. And that grief and joy are powerfully linked.
In the space of just one week I had lost two lives that meant the world to me. My heart – heavy from the loss of a relationship I had enjoyed for almost 40 years – collapsed with the loss of a relationship just six weeks old, but with the promise of a lifetime of joy. I wanted to run away from the grief. I wanted to go to bed and sleep until the sadness evaporated. But loss demands to be felt. You can’t run from grief and you can’t hide. And the only way out (of grief) is through.
What I discovered in the weeks that followed is that pregnancy loss is a deeply personal, solitary and lonely grief. My loss was classified as an early miscarriage. But whether you lose a baby at six weeks or 12 weeks, the outcome is the same and the grief is profound. And whether you miscarry during your first pregnancy, or your fourth pregnancy, the pain is raw and healing takes time. Because all miscarriages matter.
They all matter.
* First published on news.com.au
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Have you experienced pregnancy loss? How did you cope? Please share your experience below to acknowledge that all miscarriages matter and you are not alone in your grief.
Thinking of you – especially today – and sending you lots of love. Xx Nobly done brave girl.
BELINDA PETTMAN
Public Relations Manager
GAIA Skin Naturals
Thank you, Belinda. I am happy I wrote this piece and thank you again for your kind gesture and words xx
You certainly described it well. It’s not just the loss of a pregnancy, or a baby, but a whole life you had imagined you’d share. Even in that very short amount of time. I also miscarried my fourth pregnancy. Then my fifth. Once pregnant with my to be fourth child, I became a bit upset that things hadn’t worked out how I’d wanted. I was so very happy to be pregnant, but worried how I’d cope as my eldest was going into full time school and if wanted to have the baby when he was in kinder or earlier. Then I’d feel bad for thinking and feeling like this. It was a very emotional time. once he was born, I was still very emotional for a time which also had to do with feeding issues, but he has just turned three and still has a feed before bed…?. I know things don’t always work out how we want and I’m very lucky and grateful to have my four children. I still do feel sad and like someone is missing though. Feeling this way after miscarriage is something I didn’t understand completely until it happened to me. Much love to you x
Thank you Alison, and I am so very sorry for your losses. Yes, I cam imagine you still feel sad that someone is missing, but I am so happy to hear your got your 4th child. I’ve spoken with a few mums who have experienced what you have and they all describe this constellation of emotions – loss, love, happiness, guilt, sadness. Thank you for sharing your story. The more we speak about this topic, the more we know we are not alone, and I am a great believer in collective comfort. Thanks also for your kind wishes and your story of hope x
A beautifully written piece Michaela. It bought a tear to my eye as the pain of all 4 of my miscarriages and years of failed IVF attempts came back. Motherhood is such a gift. We are so lucky and I never take it for granted.
Oh Emily, thank you for commenting. I am so sorry you have had to go through this four times, and with the added anxiety and disappointed of failed IVF attempts. What a strong woman you are! Yes, I can imagine that you never take your children for granted. You’re right – they are a gift and sadly they don’t come easily for some. I am sorry you could relate to my story, but I am glad I have accurately conveyed what many women feel. I really hope it helps others. Thanks for sharing xx
What a beautifully honest piece, thank you for sharing Michaela x
Thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to comment. I hope it helps others and gives insight into the experience for those who have not gone through it, so they can support loved ones that have x
So sorry for your loss, it doesn’t matter how far along you are, it still counts and still hurts. Thank you though for your honesty, so many of us go through this, in darkness and feeling like we’re alone. Sending you light and hope your heart feels better soon x
Thanks so much, Emma. Yes, I really feel for so many women who suffer in silence and darkness. It’s such a lonely grief and I think as a society we need to talk about it more and normalise discussion around pregnancy loss. I am gratefully receiving your light, thanks for sending xx
Thank you for sharing your story and speaking out on such a “taboo” subject.
I lost my first baby to early miscarriage at 8 weeks but our baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks. My only sign was some light spotting and severe lower back pain but my body did not pass my baby and 2 weeks later I had a d&c to complete my miscarriage.
My husband and I were both devastated as we had been so excited about our new edition only to have it torn away from us.
It took me a few days before I dragged myself away from the couch and forced myself to get back to ‘normal’. Thankfully my workplace was very supportive and allowed me time off to grieve.
We lost our baby in January 2015 and we are now expecting our rainbow baby in January 2016. I’m incredibly nervous and cautious but trying to make the most of my pregnancy and looking forward to welcoming our baby!
Thank you so much Jenna. I am so sorry you lost your first baby at eight weeks. And having a D&C is a dreadful experience. Especially hard as you had no real signs and thought everything was tracking nicely. I am so happy to hear your workplace supported you and allowed you time to grieve. This is so important and i’d like to see more workplaces giving bereavement leave in such circumstances. CONGRATULATIONS on expecting bubba in January. I can understand you’re feeling anxious but try to feel optimistic and enjoy the journey of pregnancy. It really is such an amazing experience. You will meet your baby soon. Sending all my love to you!
A beautiful piece of writing Michaela. Bless you for sharing and helping those who needed to read your words. X
Thanks Hannah. And special thanks for your loving support. I really hope my piece helps others who need to know they’re not alone. Judging by the comments and messages I have received, sadly too many women experience this loss and silent grief xx
I’m so sorry for your miscarriage, Michaela. I had an early one too, about nine years ago now. It was in the midst of the decline of my relationship and I felt incredibly lonely and sad for the person I would never know because I dealt with it on my own. I hope you continue to find comfort in your beautiful girls, and that you feel stronger every day. xxx
Oh Carolyn, that must have been terribly lonely and sad for you. It’s already such an isolating grief but to be experiencing a relationship breakdown would make it even more so. I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, I am finding comfort in my girls and do feel like I am healing. Writing the story was my tribute to a life that mattered, and it was a therapeutic experience for me xx
Lovely heartfelt piece Michaela. Thanks for sharing. Lots of love to you. xxx
Thank you, Saskia. And thanks for reading my story xx
You’ve written this beautifully. I’ve miscarried too & although I have two beautiful children, years later I still find myself wondering why…… Big hugs xx
Thank you, Shannon. So many women say that the confusion and sadness stays with you forever. It softens with time but it never leaves you completely. I am so happy you have two beautiful children. Having been through the struggle and loss, I bet you don’t take them for granted. I am so blessed with my three girls. I wanted this fourth baby badly but unfortunately nature had other ideas. Thanks for reading and thanks for those hugs xx
Beautiful. Tears streaming down my face. I’ve not had this experience but I had an extreme prem with lots of early bleeding. It was so scary. Thank you for sharing x
Thank you, Richelle. I imagine having a prem, with the added anxiety of early bleeding, is a very scary experience. I hope everything worked out well and you have a beautiful, healthy bubba. Thanks for reading my story. I really think it’s important to talk about miscarriage so that women who experience it don’t feel so alone. Before this I used to feel so lucky that it hadn’t happened to me. I saw others go through it, but like they say, you can never really understand an experience until you’ve gone through it. Thanks for your kind words x
What a beautifully honest and sad piece of writing to read. Michaela we are so sorry for the loss you and Mr NASD have gone through, sending you love and thoughts xox
Thank you, Juliana. This one came straight from a heavy heart, but it has been therapeutic to write about it. Thanks for your kind words of support. It means a lot to me and Mr NASD xx
Thank you for your story Michaels!
We didn’t even know there was a problem until the 12 week ultrasound, our first scan, my first pregnancy, so excited to see a picture and hear a heartbeat of a little life we created.
But they couldn’t find a heartbeat.
They needed the internal probe to even find the embryo, and kept asking what the likely conception date was, as the embryo appeared to only be about 9+1/2 weeks in size.
It was awful.
The look on the technician, who quickly left the room to get a supervisor to check results, was obvious, but they can’t say anything and you’re left there on the reclining chair, partner holding your hand trying not to cry and hoping for the best.
They don’t really tell you anything, just suggest you see your doctor.
You walk out numb, trying to process what just happened.
After what seemed an eternal wait, the GP confirms the scan results – a ‘missed miscarriage’. I tried to remain calm in her office and just get through this.
The GP contacts a lovely obstetrician who is so understanding and efficient that he immediately books me in early the next morning for a d+c.
I’d never heard of one before.
I assumed it would clear out everything so I wouldn’t have to wait for the eventual proper miscarriage.
I didn’t really hear anything anyone said that day or the next… Just went along in a daze. I wanted it to be over as soon as possible.
The following week was horrific.
It would appear that a d+c doesn’t in fact ‘clear out everything’ as I’d hoped.
What came out was shocking and made me gag numerous times, serious chunks of flesh – it made me so angry – what did they even DO in the surgery? How could there be so much ‘product of conception’ left in there to come out over the week?!
I was in pain, and could not stop crying for several days. Its awful to have no idea what went wrong or why it happened, or if it will happen again.
I still cry for that embryo. It still makes me sad to think of those 10 weeks we started preparing for a bub. I still cry st the memory of how awful it was that week. I cry whenever I hear of a friend losing a bub, or read an article about it. I cry because I was unable to tell anyone about it, to let in any comfort from friends or family. I’ve never been good at sharing my feelings. It was just me and my fiancé and that’s all I could cope with at the time.
2 years later we finally planted the seeds the support organisation gave with the teddy bear. Soon some ‘forget-me-nots’ will sprout and bring some colour to a grey day and we will hug our cheeky, happy one year old a little bit longer.
Oh Nat, my heart aches for you. Thank you for sharing your difficult story. I just can’t believe you had to go through all that. It must have been to much to bear. To think everything is progressing well only to discover no heart beat at the 12wk scan must have been heartbreaking for you and your partner. Of course you still cry for your baby. For 12 weeks you were preparing to meet your little one and become a mum. But here’s the thing – you ARE still a mum to the baby who you didn’t get to meet. I wish that some more people could have comforted you in your time of need. No one should have to go through that alone, especially with the added complications following your D&C. I just want to give you a hug! Keep cuddling your one year old and remember it’s OK to mourn for your other baby. This seeds sound like such a lovely way to pay tribute to your bubba. Thank you again for sharing your painful experience. I am so sorry for your loss and I wish you all the best. Healing takes time, perhaps it softens but it never leaves you entirely. Thanks for reading my story xx
Thank you for sharing your story. It has made me braver to share mine. After two IVF boys and 6 or so failed IVF attemtps we were ecstatic to fall pregnant naturally for the first time ever in six years. Never doubting that we would have the third child we’d been hoping for, the cruelty we felt at having it taken away from us was overwhelming. Why make us pregnant when we’d been going along coping with not being pregnant just fine. Pregnant in July last year the baby would have been born at easter just gone. I still think about what happened that day. You never forget, time just makes it easier to talk about and less raw.
Oh Nicky, thank you for so bravely sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss. And I totally understand your sense of loss and confusion around it. Agree, WHY???? You had already been through enough struggles with your fertility journey and it just doesn’t seem fair that you should receive such happy news only to have it taken away from you. A huge blow. And definitely not fair :-(. You know, there’s such a big difference between an unsuccessful conception and a miscarriage. Had I got my period and not fallen pregnant I would have been disappointed, sure, but it wouldn’t have hurt. When conception takes place and you see those two blue lines, it changes everything and the loss is much greater and the grief more acute. Everyone says you never forget, but time just softens the pain. I do take comfort in knowing I am not alone and I hope others can do the same. We must share our stories because they matter. Enjoy those beautiful boys of yours x
So beautifully written, thank you.
Thank you so much for writing this piece and sharing such a personal story. I’m so sorry for your lost angel and I hope your able to find peace courage and strength in your grief.
You are absolutely not alone and a lot of us grieve silently, not sharing our loss for fear of people’s hurtful reactions and misconceptions.
We have had 2 miscarriages on our journey to have a family.
Whoops posted too soon!
Our first pregnancy we lost just a week after finding out about. I started miscarrying the day after our first scan where we were told all looked good. We fell pregnant with my gorgeous son just a couple months later.
We lost another angel just last year at 7&1/2 weeks after it had stopped progressing a couple weeks earlier. Im blessed to be expecting again now and all going well so far.
Thank you Daisy for your kind and supportive words. I shared my story as I want to un-silence the silent grief that so many women endure. It’s such a lonely, horrible experience. I am so very sorry for your losses. Do you mind me asking if you found out at a 7-week scan that your bubba had stopped growing earlier? It is such a rollercoaster of emotions. Hope, elation, disappointment, grief. It’s so sad that pregnancy loss is so common. It doesn’t seem fair that anyone should have to go through it at all, especially more than once. Thank you for sharing you story and congratulations on your healthy pregnancy. Wishing you all the very best for your family x
Thanks michaela. With our second loss we had been for a scan at 6+5 to see only a gestational sac measuring 5+6. We knew our dates were accurate so it wouldn’t be viable and it was only the next week that it started to pass naturally.
So sorry to hear of your loss. I found out I was pregnant in February this year after a few year of trying I dont have any kids, it was the greatest feeling in the world especially after my father in law died of cancer in the January I felt like it was a gift from him. I worried constantly I don’t know why I just kept feeling it was too good to be true! I got an early scan as I had a bit of pain nothing serious but the midwife wanted it checked. I can’t even explain the feeling of love that rushed over me as I seen the tiny blob on screen I was 8 and a half weeks. 2 weeks later I had spotting and i was worried sick it was Friday the 13th of March they told me they would scan me on the Monday and that it was nothing to worry about so I tried to put it out my mind and went for my scan on the Monday to be told that there was no heartbeat!. It had stopped at 9 and a half weeks, me and my partner were devastated! I think about it everyday I planned way ahead people would think probably too much but I was so excited because I thought I wouldn’t have any as I was struggling to get pregnant. My heart goes out to you its an awful thing to go through! X x
Oh Samantha I am so sorry for your loss. Especially after years of struggle, and for you to lose your father-in-law too. I lost my auntie at this time, and she was like a second mum to me. I knew I was pregnant the day I visited her to say goodbye. I remember holding my tummy and wishing I could share the news with her. So I do know how hard it is to experience two losses and my heart goes out to you. I also understand how fierce your love can be for someone you have never met. Hold onto that love – it can be reborn. Healing and happiness to you xx
All losses matter.. my first was at 9 weeks and was discovered at a scan after bleeding, this was horrific. I then went on to fall pregnant almost straight away and the bleeding started the day after I found out but all went well until the morning after a scan at 18 weeks when I stood up and my waters broke and went into full blown labour and gave birth to a very tiny baby boy.. even at that gestation I was treated hurrendously and was told by health care professionals and even friends it was still ‘just a miscarriage’ he was perfect and I have prints of his hands and feet.. It doesn’t matter how pregnant you are it’s still a loss and you should be aloud to grieve. 2nd time around obviously hurt a lot more as thought I was out of the danger zone but still mourn my 1st loss. Thanks for telling your story xx
Oh Cathryn, I am deeply sorry for your losses. They all hurt and each rightfully deserve mourning. I feel so sorry for you having to endure labour at just 18 weeks. What a traumatic experience for you, and particularly horrible that you didn’t receive the compassion and sensitivity that a situation like that deserves :-(. It must be nice, however, to have prints of his hands and feet and to have “met” your son even for the briefest time. I think you will always treasure those and I hope you can heal in time. Thanks for your kind words and for reading my story x
I went through the same horror last month when i miscarried my baby at 6w3d. He was my first child and he would’ve meant the world to me. Since then, theres not a day that goes by without thinking about him and the pain is worse than when i lost him. Reading your story was comforting as it described the pain i’m going through. I know i have to stay strong and carry on, but some days are hell. So, even though we’re all different, somehow i understand your pain. I wish you strength and faith! All the best to you and your family! Xx
Oh Julia I am so sorry for your loss. Of course you still think of your baby every day, and you’re entitled to do so for as long as you do. I am sad that you can relate to my story but I am glad that it has given you some comfort in knowing your pain is real and you are not alone in your grief. I wish you healing and happiness and do hope you get to meet your future baby soon. Please be hopeful of that – hope is very powerful xx
I have suffered 3 miscarriages all in early stages of pregnancy, when i had my first miscarriage i didn’t know how to feel or what to do but i had to keep going as i had a son to look after, i then got pregnant again and was afraid to tell anyone just incase the worst did become of the pregnancy but i got further along into the pregnancy and eventually delivered another baby boy, soon after i got pregnant again and yet again i had that doubt in my mind whether I’ll get through this pregnancy or not but liw and behold i had another miscarriage and that weighed even heavier on my heart as i kept thinking it was my fault but i didn’t let it get me down and we tried for another and i got pregnant again and yet again i had that doubt in my mind whether I’ll make it through this pregnancy but no i had yet my third miscarriage and by that time i had given up on trying anymore but i then got pregnant and i got further along into the pregnancy we found out we were having a healthy baby girl and we were over the moon and a little while later we got pregnant again and we found out it was anothet healthy baby girl however she decided to arrive 5 weeks early and that was another whole world of problems but we now have 4 happy healthy children
Oh Jenelle, I am so sorry for your losses. No one should have to go through this at all, let alone multiple times. It’s just cruel and unfair. And there are no answers for it. I am so happy you have four happy and healthy children. 4 is my magic number but I am not sure it will happen now. Treasure them and thank you for sharing your story here, so that others know they are not alone in their grief. xx
Thank you for finding words I have never been able to. After 2 miscarriages the words my miscarriage matters speaks to a part of me no one else has ever known.
I am sorry you understand the pain, Karla. But thank you for commenting. I hope that by sharing my story I will help others find a voice for their grief and know they are not alone. Wishing you healing and happiness x
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my first pregnancy at 6 weeks 3 days. I remember my world slowly unraveling with the spotting, going to the ER on a Saturday and hearing that everything seemed okay, baby had a heartbeat and bleeding just sometimes happened, Sunday the spotting continued but I held on to hope and then my world suddenly came crashing down on Monday evening when I got up from the couch and to my horror felt a warm gush of blood. I went from sitting on the toilet screaming to my husband rushing me to the ER to laying in a cold sterile room listening to a doctor tell me the inevitable truth that all the “products of conception” were gone. I wanted to rise up through my pain and slap that guy in the face! This was a life that only two days ago had a heartbeat, was alive!! My baby wasn’t a “product” it was a life that had been lost!! It took me a while to even be able to go into the downstairs bathroom let alone do any chores in there, which my husband took over for that time. Family and friends really didn’t know what to say and it seemed that to them the simple solution was to just get over it as they had so obviously done. 5 months later when I surprisingly found out I was pregnant again I was scared and anxious the pretty much the entire time, my first experience had robbed me of the joy and anticipation of a healthy pregnancy and I overly worried about losing at anytime. I wish I had been able to enjoy it more looking back as I now have a beautiful 18 month old boy who mended me and help me come to terms in so many ways, I can’t forget that 6 weeks of life I lost that is seared into my memory forever but I also can’t blame myself for something that was so very out of my control. I want all women who have went through this to know that they are not failures, and although it’s easy to get into that mindset that your body betrayed you or you did something to cause it, that is most certainly and absolutely not case. Our bodies are capable of miraculous wonders and although that little life was cut incredibly short usually because of the simple reason that something just didn’t quite mesh the right way, you were still able to create life in that short span of time, a living human life! That should be celebrated not pushed under the rug and hushed at the mention of. Stay strong out there mama’s!!
I am so sorry for your loss Jessie and I want to thank you for courageously sharing your experience. You raise some excellent points here about the medicalisation of the experience. I want all those words like “pregnant products” eradicated. It feels so empty when you lose a baby and it hurts when you hear terminology that doesn’t acknowledge the lives they were. It is also important for women to know that this is not their fault. Self-blame is a terrible emotion and totally unwarranted in this case. I understand that it feels like your body has failed you, or you have failed your body, but it is simply not the truth. Thank you for sharing your experience with us here and for articulating it so well. And thank you for reading my story. Together, we need to un-silnce the grief xx
I’m so sorry to hear of your heartbreaking loss I’m thinking of you and saying a prayer. It is so beautifully written aswel as heartbreaking. I had my first loss in 2009 first ever pregnancy every thing was great we had heartbeat confirmed at 6 weeks and it was the happiest I’ve ever felt in my entire life I got to 9 weeks and felt something was wrong my tummy really bloated and my underwear was wet with clear liquid I went hospital and my world fell apart when i had the scan there was our little angel on the screen fast asleep there wasn’t a heartbeat anymore I suffered a missed miscarriage where my body didn’t recognise a miscarriage had happened and I had to be took to theatre. February 2013 again I fell pregnant with our second in was terrified but tried not to stress and enjoy it 1 week later at 6 week pregnant the cramping started then I went to the toilet to find blood when I wiped I went to see doctor where they done another pregnancy test which came back with a very faint positive by this time I bleeding heavier and the cramps was getting worse 2 days later I lost our little butterfly. I couldn’t do it anymore the pain in my heart was unbearable apart of me went with our beautiful jellybeans I was empty I longed for a child but I couldn’t bear losing again. July 2013 out of the blue after being really careful I found out I was expecting again it wasn’t an easy pregnancy but we had a miracle little boy. But i still felt the emptiness aswell as our joy. Sadly February 2014 the heartache happened again this time at 23 weeks and 5 days gestation I went into premature labour and our precious daughter passed away during delivery and was born sleeping. No parent should ever go through loosing a child it’s devastating I feel your pain and from one angel mummy to another I reach out to you it breaks my heart. Sending you all my love xxx
Sorry i made an error i meant February 2012 not 2013 we suffered our 2nd loss and July 2012 not 2013 we was having our miracle xxx
Oh Ellen, my heart aches for you. I am so deeply sorry for your losses. You have been through trauma and pain no one should ever have to experience. Thank you for sharing your story with me, and my readers. I think that sharing our experiences and grief does help with the healing process. It may only be small but knowing we are not alone is of some comfort. I am wondering if anything has helped with your healing? I wonder how women go on, especially after multiple losses. I am so sorry you lose your daughter during childbirth. That must be a pain like no other. Did you get to hold her? I am happy you have your miracle boy – I bet you treasure him as the beautiful gift he is. And how lucky he is too! My heart is very heavy and I think the grief will ripple through my life now always. I take comfort in the three gifts I have been given, even though they drive me batty sometimes :-). Being around them is healing, as well as heartbreaking. It’s a collision of emotions. Sending you healing and happiness, and thank you xx
I had miscarriages in my first and second pregnancies. First was 8 weeks, second was 12 weeks. My third pregnancy was tough because i was worried all the times, but finally i gave birth to a baby girl.
I was sad though, my baby had ASD and VSD heart defect, I felt like it was all my fault.
Thankfully when she was 2 y.o she no longer need medications.
But when she was 1.5 y.o I got pregnant again for the 4th times, i was more relaxed than before.
But when entered 24 weeks, I went for routine check, doctor said its stillbirt, my baby was gone and I need to deliver her soon.
I didnt have the courage to see my 24 weeks baby girl til now, more than a year since i delivered her.
Its very hard for me to erase those 24 weeks memory I had with her, I blame myself for it, since my ANA is high and it rejects my own baby for 3 times.
I supposed to celebrate her 1st bday, instead I can only wish her happier up there.
But Im thankful for my 3rd baby, we are gonna celebrate her 3rd bday soon, and she is a strong, amazing and very clever baby.
Be strong for all mothers specially who lost their babies before, Im sending my love for all of you.
Oh Maya, my heart aches for you. I am so sorry for each of your losses. Stillbirth is particularly traumatic and cruel. A greater pain I cannot imagine :-(. PLEASE, please do not blame yourself for any of this. It is not your fault. You are a loving, giving mother and you are still a mother to your babies who are not with you. It’s lovely you are about to celebrate your daughter’s 3rd birthday. I have a three-year-old girl and it’s such a wonderful age. I wish you all the best x
This is so beautifully written and with such raw emotion. I have gone through miscarriages at 3 different stages and they all hurt equally. I have lost a baby at 5 weeks, 9 weeks, and 18 weeks. The physical healing time differs, but emotionally it all feels the same. I’d like to share my birth story from last year with you. And I want all the mommas of angel babies out there to know they are so loved. <3
http://rivkah4.blogspot.com/2014_08_01_archive.html
Oh Rebekah I am so sorry for your losses. Thank you for sharing this birth story with my readers. I will read it now. Wishing you healing and happiness x
Rebekah I just tried to leave a comment twice over on your blog about Emery Hope. I can’t see it though and hoping it’s just a delayed process and you see it soon. What a remarkable story of profound sadness but profound hope xx
Michaela the comment did not post but thats alright. I just appreciate you reading. I adore our community of women. And even though most of us dont know the other, we have a bond and we care for one another. That is incredible. <3
3 pregnancy losses and still have no baby yet?
Oh Tin I am so sorry :-(. Hang in there, please don’t give up. Wishing you healing and happiness x
Thank you for sharing this. It really resonated with me as I’m coming up to 4 weeks post-miscarriage (was around 9 weeks). I didn’t blame myself or look for answers as I was aware of the sobering statistics on miscarriage. However, the physical experience was truly terrible and I really wish more people discussed it as it it not ‘a heavy period’ or whatever people have you believe. That and the milestones you’ll never reach and silly (well not silly) things like imagining yourself as a glowing pregnant woman, awkwardly sharing your news at your soon to be wedding (probably just me) and knowing you were due around Christmas and how that was going to be are truly heartbreaking, and I’ve experienced some pretty bad things in my life already. Just wanted a bit of good luck. Hopefully it will happen for me soon.
B, I am so sorry for your loss. You are right – it’s not just a “heavy period.” It is nothing like it and it is traumatic and soul destroying. I am so sorry you experienced it. Unfortunately we sometimes get hit with a series of and things in our lives. I have felt like my past year has been characterised by loss and disappointment and grief. Please do not give up hope of meeting your baby soon. It will happen for you. And there’s no reason to think this will happen to you again. I wish you healing and happiness x
Wonderful article, Michaela. I wish I wasn’t able to relate but unfortunately I’m finishing up my first miscarriage as I write this. It’s amazing how when I saw this happen to other people I thought it wasn’t that big of a deal and that you can just make another baby. Until you go through something so terrible, you have no idea. This was my first pregnancy and my hubby and I were over the moon excited. We got attached very quickly and the baby quickly dominated our conversations. We are going to try again of course but nothing can replace the particular baby that we lost. Our baby stopped growing at about 7 weeks and we suspect a fibroid was the culprit.
I wish you weren’t able to relate, too, Michelle. But I am glad that in some small way you know that others understand your grief and you are not alone. Of course you got attached quickly – we all do. But please hold onto hope. I wish you healing and happiness. Do try again and I hope you meet your baby soon x
Thank you SO much for writing this. We lost our first baby last December at 6 weeks as well. We are now around our approximated due date and the pain and sadness has come back recently. I’m sure it always will. We are now trying again for our first little one, staying positive and saying prayers.
Thank you for commenting Kiera. I wish all you healing and happiness and hope you get to meet your baby soon. I am deeply sorry for your loss x
I have had my first miscarriage this year in march and then a couple weeks later my cousin passed away.. I have never been through that much pain. I was 7.5 weeks and yes its was a very early pregnancy and they too said that they didnt see anything in the ultrasound. i cried for weeks. then i found out something else that killed me even more. but i never coped with my miscarriage i still cry and i still mourn. my friend has 13wks left of her pregnancy and i would be right along with her. and i cry inside everytime i see her… i see pregnant ppl pregnant all the time. and i cry.. its not fair why i have to loose my baby and not only that there is people out there has never had a miscarriage and they have babies.. its not fair my sister had her first child at 16 and i couldnt carry a baby for 9 months and im 20 whats wrong in that picture.. worst pain ever..
Oh Renee, I am so sorry you lost your baby and your cousin. I understand the pain. It’s such a lonely grief. And yes, it hurts to see pregnancy all around you. It’s not fair – you’re right. It’s not fair that one person should have several babies and never have a miscarriage. It’s not fair that some women endure years of infertility and then pregnancy is taken away from them. It’s not fair that someone should experience pregnancy loss, and it’s not fair that someone should experience it more than once! Please hold onto hope. Hope is all we ever have. I wish you healing and happiness x
Thank you for having the strength and candour to write this – it is still such a taboo subject for so many, that every time someone (like you) bravely puts their feelings to paper for everyone to see, it is another little step forward in the right direction.
Because the hardest thing, I found, after my 9 miscarriages, was the loneliness that followed.
You are strong and the grace with which you write will undoubtedly be a comfort to many people out there.
My favourite line when I was going through the pain of miscarriage was an old proverb (Buddhist, I think, but don’t quote me on that!):
“Courage isn’t always the lion that rials. Sometimes it is the small voice inside that tells you to try again tomorrow”.
Thank you, Michaela. I wish you the peace you deserve to feel again.
Thank you, Jessica. When this happened to me I felt so alone in my grief. It’s a terrible, lonely grief and it happened a week after my auntie died. It occurred to me that people can talk about the death of a loved one more openly but not the death of an unborn baby. But really, this is a bereavement like any other. I did not want to suffer in silence and sadly so many women do. I want to un-silence the grief and think there should be more conversation and openness around pregnancy loss. Jessica, my heart is breaking for you that you have experienced this pain 9 times over. I am so very sorry for your losses. It is unfair and cruel that you have experienced this multiple times. I just want to give you a hug! Do you mind me asking if the doctors ever discovered the cause(s) of your miscarriages? Thank you for the buddhist proverb you have included. I love that and if you don’t mind I might share that with my readers in a future post. Thank you for wishing me peace amid my grief. I wish you the same xxx
Thank you Michaela and of course you can use the proverb – it is everybody’s and nobody’s 🙂
I am one of the lucky ones in that we have a beautiful 7 year old daughter who brightens our days and has given us the strength to get through the pain. Funny how kids have the capacity to do that, isn’t it, as you experienced with your little one falling asleep on you.
I don’t think miscarriage can always be fully understood by the medical profession, to be honest. I had all the pre conception tests to determine that everything was working fine (it was) and the rest was just down to age. I’ve been trying since I was 40 to have another child, but the one thing we can’t change is the age of our eggs, sadly. I’m possibly a bit unusual in that I fall pregnant very easily still (I’m now 44) which is why I have had so many losses, and I’m otherwise fit and healthy, as is my husband.
I think it’s a cruel little twist of nature that our essentially primeval bodies haven’t caught up with the times: women are having children later and later, but our fertility dips nonetheless in our thirties…we haven’t caught up! Men, on the other hand, can continue fathering children right up to their 80s! Wouldn’t it be great if we could start periods at 21 and remain fertile into our 40s….
Still, I can’t change the one thing that is preventing us from having another child and there comes a point when you have to come out the other side, having accepted this. There is no point in feeling resentment and bitterness…the “why me.” questions can tear a couple apart and cause so much additional grief and heartache.
I’m stubborn as hell though, which is why I tried so many times! It’s very personal though – I couldn’t have lived with myself if I hadn’t tried. Others may not want to try for so many years and that’s fine too.
The one thing I’d say to anyone trying to find the right words to say to a woman who has lost her baby, is be gentle, don’t judge, give them time to heal, lots of time, support their partner too (men hurt just as badly and are often sidelined in this grief), and above all don’t tell them they’re lucky to have another child(ren), don’t ask them when they will be trying again…you may mean well, undoubtedly so, but it isn’t what we need to hear!
No existing child and no subsequent child will ever make up for this loss.
If you lose your mother or father, nobody says to you “It’s ok, you still have your sister/brother for company” – replacements in grief do not exist.
I recently read a beautiful blog by an American lady who spoke of her dislike of the word miscarriage, itself (I agree – it is a horrible word for a tragic event).
She discovered that the Japanese call it “mizuko” which literally means “water child”. How much easier would that be to say than ‘miscarriage’? Firstly. Because it acknowledges that there is a baby there, secondly because miscarriage makes us feel that our bodies have done something terribly wrong and let us down.
My 8th mizuko was in September 2014, a silent one that had to be removed from my body at 12 weeks, because Pip (as we’d named him/her) was a determined little astronaut, clinging on to its shrivelled little sac with gutsy determination that amazed us to the end.
All our mizuko babies are amazing, in spite of the fact we hold them for so little time.
Jessica thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. Would it be ok if I emailed you? Thanks for your honest and articulate response x
“The lion that roars” – silly autocorrect 🙂
What a beautiful and honest account of this horrible journey that 1 in 4 women go through. I lost my 3rd pregnancy late June. I had gone through a implantation of an embryo and was so happy that the blood test came back with high hcg levels. At 7w had a dating scan and bubs heart beat was strong. At 9w6d went for a check up with my ob to be told bub had no heart beat and was only measuring 9w1d. It broke my heart. I still have days were all I want to do is stay in bed and cry my eyes out. Reading stories like this one gives me hope that I will get through this through time. Thank you xxx
Oh Chelle, thank you for commenting on my post. You WILL get through this. Healing takes time and you can’t rush it, much as you would like to fast-forward time to when it doesn’t hurt so much. What gives me some comfort is knowing I am not alone and sharing my story and my loss. My baby matters, as did yours, and so we should feel open about talking about it. Did you do anything to pay tribute to your bubba? Did you get a pic or anything that you can keep in a memory box? I am deeply sorry you are experiencing this pain. I am going to write another post with tips on healing so please look out for it, or follow my FB page. Sending strength your way xx
I miscarried at 9 weeks in March it was and still is horrendous. Your words completely mirror my own. I defiantly cherish my 4 year old daughter much more but still the pain of losing my baby arises from nowhere. And if I hear the words “there was probably something wrong with the baby anyway ” or “it wasn’t really a baby yet” one more time…..
I am so sorry for your loss Becky. It’s a pain like no other isn’t it? I agree that those words, while well-meaning, are not helpful. I have found the most helpful/comforting comments from friends are the ones that go something like this: “I am so sorry. It is unfair and cruel. I am here for you. Your grief is real and valid. I know life sucks right now so lean on me as I am here for you.” Keep cherishing your precious 4 yo (I have one of those too) and if you try again for another, I wish you a healthy, complication-free pregnancy and beautiful child at the end x
I miscarried at 12 weeks in November, 1987, and never became pregnant again. My baby was due in 1988, and there are still moments when I wonder who would this person be? Thank you for writing this post. All miscarriages matter, and I am happy for those who become mothers… Children are precious gifts.
Thank you, Kathleen for commenting on my post. I am so sorry for your loss. That is really devastating to reach 12 weeks when you think you’re out of the danger zone. Of course there are still moments when you consider who they would be and what life would be like. I don’t think that feeling ever leaves anyone who has experienced the loss of a pregnancy. Because you’re not just mourning the pregnancy -you’re mourning the person they would have become and the life you would have shared with them. I think it’s lovely you can still be happy for those who become mothers. It wouldn’t be easy but says a lot about the type of person you are. Thanks for sharing your experience x
Dear Kathleen, your post made me want to write to you and say this : I am so sorry you lost your baby. You were and are a mother and always will be, even if your baby is not with you any more. Nobody can take your motherhood away from you. All the best, Jessica
I am sooooo sorry for your loss. I agree that every pregnancy…no matter when it is lost…..matters!!! You grieve for all that might and should have been, and for your unborn child. I suffered a miscarriage at 6 weeks (my 1st pregnancy)…..then lost twins at 24weeks…a boy & a girl. They were born alive, and died a coue of hours later. That almost destroyed me. I talked to anyone who would listen, and wrote poetry. That’s how I got through it. The last poem I wrote was when they would have turned 21….that was two years ago. After that, I suffered another early miscarriage. And a year and a half after that….finally had my first son, followed by another 20 months later. With every pregnancy…the fear of loss was there…and now….although my grief is far less, I’ve never forgotten….especially my twins. They are forever in my heart. ❤️
Oh Gerianne, that is just heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your losses. I really think you’re incredibly courageous and I love the idea of writing poetry as a way of connecting, and as a way of healing. A friend of mine lost her twins at around 24 weeks also. They died just minutes after being born. No one should ever have to endure that pain. It is unimaginable and you will never forget. I am so happy you have two healthy children. Thank you for sharing your story with me, and my readers. Like you, I find comfort in talking about it. No one should have to suffer in silence. At any stage of pregnancy, the loss is a bereavement, but particularly traumatic to reach 24 weeks and give birth to them. My heartfelt thanks for sharing your experience x
I miscarried last month at 6w3d … I was under a lot of pressure at work when it started. In almost 5 days, the joy of having my first baby was shattered. I don’t even care about the physical pain which was worst than anything, but my heart that aches every day is what matters. Till this day I think of my sweet baby and how he would’ve looked like. And how he would’ve been my whole life… I can’t stand people telling me “perhaps it’s for the best, something was wrong with the baby” or “that happens to any young woman”. I find no comfort in hearing these words, because he was MY baby and i’m never going to get the chance to meet him.
Reading your story, as painful as it is, was the only comfort i found in weeks. It’s encouraging to find so many women who do understand that “every miscarriage matters” and we all grieve our babies loss like any other devastating loss. We are entitled to this.
Today i met a lady who was almost 3 weeks pregnant and i realized i should’ve been the same … I was devastated once again…
Thank you Michaela for sharing your story and all the other ladies that chose to do the same! You are all brave, despite the tragedy you’re going through! Don’t give up your hopes and dreams!
Correction: lady was 9 weeks pregnant
Thank you, Julia. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Of course you heart aches every day. And it will for some time. You’re right – there is no comfort in those words and I tend to think they are coming from people who have never experienced the pain of miscarriage. It is not for the best. We wanted our babies. We wanted a lifetime of experiences with them. We are entitled to grieve at ANY stage because all miscarriages matter. The loss is profound and it’s such a lonely grief. The pain will be a ripple in your life always but don’t give up hope. I wish you healing and happiness and do hope you get to meet your baby soon. You will never forget this one though. You don’t have to suffer alone. Thank you for sharing your experience and I hope my story helps in the tiniest way it can xx
Thank you for being so open. I too miscarried our fourth baby at 16 weeks. The baby was unplanned but we were still excited. And like you, my previous pregnancies were textbook uncomplicated and I felt no worries for that one. The miscarriage was devastating for our whole family. It was such a shock. The moment we found out we were expecting we shouted from the rooftops to our family and were posting on Facebook the surprising news. The grief was almost unbearable. We relied on our faith in the Lord. It took a while to feel comfort but this is something I will never get over. I think about our son every day. Again, thank you for being so open and hopefully women who have read this will know that are not alone.
Hi Cindy, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that your friends and family were able to support you through your grief. Did your other children know about your pregnancy? I am interested in knowing how they felt/coped and what are their ages? My children did not know and I have had to shield it from them but they are wondering why I was so sick and why they see me cry. Thank you for reading my story and for sharing your own. I wish you happiness and healing x
Thanks for sharing I can relate to this I have had 2 miscarriages. My first baby was born last yr at 18+6 weeks gestation but I had so many complications from 16 weeks on I had pain and bleeding constantly for nearly 3 weeks and then my waters broke and went into labour an hr after and my beautiful baby girl was born sleeping. Then this yr I found out I was expecting again was supposed to be my rainbow baby and once I told my bf at the time I was pregnant we argued a lot and then we broke up I was sad that I lost my bed but excited I was going to be a mummy and everything was going perfect till one morning at 3am on the 9/5/15 I woke up in pain I was babysitting my nephews at the time so couldn’t go to the hospital to get checked but everyone informed me it was growing pains and since they didn’t go and when my sister finally got home around lunch time she took me to the hospital to get checked and finally got in to be seen by the afternoon and as they were checking with the ultrasound they seen baby for a quick second and said everything was fine and that it was probably growing pains I went home and by 730pm the pains got so much stronger and told my sister to ring ambulance, I got to hospital and once I was there a lil bit my waters broke and my son was born heart still beating but never took a breath I was 16+2 weeks gestation with him and since losing my only babies I find it hard at times to do anything but cry. I’m slowly getting back on track with my life but I will never forget my daughter and son as they will always be with me as I have got them cremated and in the back of cuddle able urn bears. So sorry it’s long and so sorry for ur loss
Of course you can email me, Michaela. All the best.
Reading this piece tears instantly streamed down my face. Until this year I always felt for women that had lost a baby, however I now know its something you can never truely understand unless you have experiened it.
I am blessed to have 2 healthy boys. So when I got pregnant with my 3rd never did I imagine I would join the club. At 8weeks I had my first OB appointment where I got to see my baby with a perfect strong heartbeat! So I spent the next month until my 12 week scan and OB appointmnt being pregnant; morning sickness, bloating/getting a belly, ACNE.
At the scan I never expected anything to be wrong so I lay there waiting to see the baby, as the lady starts the scan on her monitor first and then she asks me what I thought were routine questions “have you had a scan” I reply “yes at 8wks” she say “was there a heartbeat?” I reply yes still not realising anything is wrong. Then she says “Im sorry but this pregnancy has not progressed, there is no heartbeat”. I was completely shocked. She left the room giving us a “few minutes”. Then she came back in and said from what she could tell the baby stopped developing possibly 9weeks. I was to go to my OB and she would go through the rest. I didnt understand I had all pregnancy symptoms and no bleeding. Sitting in the OB waiting room I was surrounded by all the pregnant women while I just found out my baby was inside me but dead. I find out its a “missed miscarriage”. I have 2 options medication or a “d&c”. I choose the medication I go home I await the “labour” pains Im supposed to feel. The bleeding starts theres some pain. It lasts for a few days. But wasnt as bad as I expected. The next week I go for a routine ultrasound to check everything has passed. Unfortuantly there is a “mass” so the next day Im booked in for a d&c. By this stage I was just so devastated that I went through a week of thinking Id gotten through it to find out it still wasnt over! So the d&c comes Im laying waiting to go into surgery and I can hear babies being born via csection crying there first cries waking up from surgery hearing the nurses telling a mother her baby is doing so well. A bit cruel when I just had surgery to remove a “mass” that was the left over of my baby that the medication didnt “pass”. But thats life I guess. As one ends another begins.
Thank you Michaela for bringing us together and allowing us to share our stories, each one heartbreaking to read, yet empowering to share.
Oh Amy, I have tears in my eyes for you now reading your story. I can relate to what you say about never expecting it to happen after textbook pregnancies. It’s a horrible shock. And I feel so awful that you had to go through the process of miscarrying naturally only to end up in hospital for a D&C a week later. That is cruel and unfair. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your story with me so that others know their grief is valid and they are not alone. Healing takes time but in my opinion, we should share our grief and give it a voice. This is why I shared my story. If you would like to follow me on FB I do share happy posts as well :-). The cycle of life in all its ups, downs and everything in between….
I lost two babies. My first pregnancy we miscarried at 9 weeks. I was so hurt. I thought I done something wrong. All I did was cry. My husband was the only thing that kept me strong. Shortly after we got pregnant again. This was a healthy prenancy and we had our little boy. But shortly after having him we got pregnant again. Not our intention though we were excited and nervous. After 12 weeks I thought to myself that this would be another healthy prenancy…I was wrong. At 16 weeks I started having pain and pressure that I needed to push. I went to the ER, they said everything was ok. The next day, I was in so much pain and I started bleeding. I knew what was happening but I didn’t wanna believe it. I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. I was losing blood fast. Not long after I delivered our little girl Madelyn Noelle. She only lived a few short seconds. I bled that whole night up until 5 am when I finally passed the placenta. I was devastated. That was my little girl and I wanted her back. I beat myself up over it cause I thought I had done something. When I finally got to hold my baby boy again, I didn’t wanna let him go. Losing a baby is hard. I can’t wait to see our angel babies again. We just finished paying off our little girls headstone. I hope she loves it ♡
Oh Lucy I am deeply sorry for your losses. Oh it’s not fair is it? What a horrible experience for you to go into labour at 16 weeks. Did you get to hold her for those few precious seconds? No mother, or father, should ever have to go through that pain and I am really sorry you have. I bet you hold your beautiful boy tight and he gives you comfort in your hours of need. The pain is raw and I hope you have support around you. I wish you happiness and healing. Thank you for sharing your story so that others know they are not alone x
Oh my goodness. Tonight I asked twitter and instagram friends for some new blogs to follow as I have spent the evening blogging, researching and playing on my laptop distracting myself. The reason I was distracting myself was that this morning my Dr confirmed that I had lost my baby. I too was 6 weeks along and I too started bleeding shortly after realising I was pregnant. One person replied to my call out for new blogs. She gave me one blog to follow. Yours. And I scrolled down past your first post and found this. Thank you so much for sharing, for your honesty and for your advice. It’s very much welcomed with open arms. I’m sorry for your loss too x
Well, I am both happy and sad that you have found your way to my blog. Happy because hopefully my post offers some comfort. Sad because i wish you weren’t experiencing this terrible pain. I am sorry for your loss. It really hurts doesn’t it. And it’s such a lonely grief. I do hope you will look around my blog and see some happier posts too (or head to my FB page for some humorous distraction). I like to keep things light on my FB page. Was it Steph who replied to you? She is an AB FAB chick! I am sorry for your loss and please feel welcome to keep in touch. Happiness and healing to you xx
Thank you for sharing this. Hugs for everyone.
Thank you, Lisa x
Oh Michaela, such a sad time for you. I cried as I read this piece. Your writing is so emotive and so beautiful… You have such a kind heart and are very brave for sharing this experience so openly. I am sure it will help many women going through the same experience. Like you said 1 in 4 women! That’s a lot of women that you have potentially helped just by sharing. I hope your pain eases soon.
So so true. I have 6 beautiful children and I also had 2 miscarriages- and I still grieve them. I have those babies names and my children know about the little brother and sister that are waiting in heaven to meet them. But I am so sad that I didn’t get to meet them. I picture little infants and toddlers and it breaks my heart that I never got to experience that with my two babies. Some people don’t feel so emotional about it, and that’s ok. But I am also glad to see you write this because sometimes it can feel as if miscarriages are not taken very seriously in terms of emotional wounds. And I get it- my first miscarriage was my first ever pregnancy- so I didn’t know what it felt like to be a mom. I didn’t know the all-consuming, powerful, life-changing feeling that occurs the moment you become a mother. It wasn’t until I had my first child that I truly grieved and felt he full impact of that first miscarriage. Now I understood what I missed. Now I understood just how empty my life felt without that precious little one to have and hold. It’s a real, deep, grievous thing to lose a baby- even one that is smaller than a pea. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you, Ashley, and I am so sorry for your losses. It’s true that every person’s response to miscarriage is unique and no two experiences are the same. For me, the emotional loss demands to be felt. It’s impossible to dismiss it and I think a more healthy discussion around pregnancy loss is needed. I have heard a few people echo your feelings about not fully grieving the loss until becoming a mother. I feel this loss very deeply because I know what I have missed out on. Thank you for reading and sharing your story x
I feel like being able to type this out and share my story this is my way of getting it out and hopefully helping another person out who has been through similar and making them feel like you dont need to keep it to yourself. you should feel like you can talk to people about your experience, because you arent alone and as I found out is a very common unfortunate thing that happens to so many people, sometimes more then just once.
I hear some people talking about miscarriages and have really felt sad for them as i couldnt imagine what it must be like to go through. Until it happened to myself that i truly understand exactly what its like to lose something you had already become attached too and loved and was apart of you.
I woke up one morning to get changed for an early morning fitness class. As i was getting dressed i felt really off like i needed to sit down or id be sick. Decided to stay home and jump into bed until i needed to get ready for work.
I got to work and said to my manager i must have food poisoning because we had thai the night before and i had an upset stomach. She asked me if i have taken a pregnancy test because she had experienced similar and i thought nothing of it but thought id take one just so i could definately rule that out. On my break i went and bought a test and what do you know? 2 lines…. i had to read the instructions a few times to make sure 2 lines definately meant pregnant!
My heart dropped i have never felt any feeling like that before, like my life had just changed in an instant and there is actully a tiny little person growing inside of me!
I messaged mum and rang my sister in tears of shock and was reassured everything is going to be fine. I told jamie and went to the drs that arvo to get a test to make sure it was definately true!
The dr nodded her head as she was reading the test… its true!
Pretty much felt sick to my stomach and couldnt believe this was actually happening. Jamie and i have talked about kids before but was nothing we were planning on happening at all.
We were in shock for quite awhile and still in shock that its all just happened.
We had told our family who were all so so excited that their first grandchild was coming.
8 weeks along exactly we went in and had a scan and got to see our little baby and its little limb buds still forming, little heart beating and wriggling around.
The scan was what i needed to prove to me this was actually happening!
From that point on the excitement was growing and looking at little baby clothes and sorting out how we wanted the nursery to look was all underway, even though it was very early days we had no idea what we were doing so wanted to make ourselves as prepared as possible!
One weekend we were out at the shops with mum and her boyfriend and i was experiencing pains in my stomach. In my head i was straight away a little concerned and had gone to the toilet to find i was bleeding. I had heard of spotting before but knew this wasnt good. I was taken to the hospital and taken in for an ultrasound. The Dr who mormally does the ultrasounds wasnt in so another Dr stepped in and told me he wasnt experienced so much in it but all we need to see is a heartbeat. Looking at the screen i remember just praying and feeling so many butterflies from just wanting to see that little heart beating. he was looking for a long time and found it hard to see the baby, it wasnt too clear. He told me he could see movement and that i “dont need to worry, its all fine”. That made me feel a little better just holding onto any hope i could. But at the same time knew that what i was feeling isnt good.
We went home and that night the bleeding was worse. I had many blood tests and ultrasounds that night and was told I was having a threatening miscarriag. Those words scared the hell out of me. I was told to go home and if it gets worse to come back straight away. My stomach pains grew and I had woken up
At 6am to go the toilet and in my way it felt like i had just peed my pants.. it wasn’t that at all, the bleeding was by this point way too much and panic set it and just cried while i texted mum to pick me up to go to the hospital.
I balled my eyes out from that moment, until basically the next day. My world felt like it was crashing down and i was losing such a precious little thing that we had just gotten so excited for.
The pain i felt was excruciating and cannot be explained. The physical pain i felt wasnt close to the emptiness i was feeling.
I had to go in for surgery to get the baby out as my body was trying to push it out but the pain i was feeling was almost unbearable.
I woke up the next day feeling relieved i wasnt in anymore pain but straight away felt there was something missing and this emptiness feeling inside me was just so upsetting, knowing i didnt have my baby anymore and it was over just like that.
This has changed me as a person and every day it crosses my mind at least once. But from this we have become stronger people and closer together and we know all we want now is to have a little baby.
I really look at pregnancy now as the biggest blessing and something so lucky to happen!
Kiara, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. But what I sense from your post is that this has confirmed your desire for a baby and brought you closer to your partner. Feeling supported by your partner goes a huge way towards healing. I wish you a speedy recovery and hope your next pregnancy is a healthy, safe and beautiful experience. Please don’t lose hope. Thank you for sharing your personal story here. I think it helps to talk about pregnancy loss so that people do not feel so alone. Healing will come x
I had a miscarriage yesterday. I’m still processing it all. It was horrendously painful, but thankfully I was well supported by my partner. Thank you for writing this, I think it’s important to share our experiences.
Oh Fen, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I am glad you have been supported by your partner, but it can still be a lonely grief. I hope in some small way, by reading my blog post you don’t feel so alone. Hugs to you xx
So brave to write about this.
Unfortunately a sadness felt by so many.
I miss my daughter every day.
I am so sorry you have experienced this pain, Deb. Yes, sadly we are not on our own. I bet you miss your daughter every day; it’s not something that goes away. And that’s why I think it’s important and healthy to talk about it otherwise the silent grief can be overwhelming x
Hi Michaela,
You wrote the article very beautifully and I can relate to all the misery and pain that you must have felt. I had a miscarriage in March at 6 weeks and another at 9 weeks just last week only. I have always wanted a baby and this year u got pregnant for the first time in 32 years of my life. I haven’t even been able to get over my first miscarriage and now I am like a train wreck after the second time. I still think I am a mother though I had never been able to touch my baby. I just hope I learn to live peacefully with this experience of my life and so do all women who go through a loss like this. It makes us no less mother and may be our angels are sent to parents who needs them more than us.
Garmima, I am deeply sorry you have just experienced this pain a second time. I do understand the emptiness and though I have other children, I still mourn the two I have lost. Please, please don’t lose sight of having that baby in your arms. I know how hard it is to process the grief, but my advice to you is to allow yourself to feel the full gamut of emotions: sadness, anger, grief, loss, confusion, more anger. You are STILL a mother. I can feel your maternal instincts from here. Know that I am sorry for your loss and please feel free to email me privately if you would like to talk through this further. I have another post on “healing after miscarriage” which I will publish soon and it may help, even slightly. Healing to you xx
This is such a well worded piece and makes me want to cry – it’s so important we all feel comfortable talking about it because as you say it is so so so common and the silence that surrounds it only makes it harder to bear. Yes all miscarriages definitely matter, no matter the date the baby was lost. My third pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 5 weeks and although I now have a third child, I will never ever forget that baby we lost and the 18 months of grief that absolutely changed my lifel. I actually always feel a bit strange saying I’m a mother of three, because I actually believe we created four lives, but I just silently bear it as it’s too hard to explain each and every time. Thanks so much for sharing your story. x
Oh Chelsea, I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, I totally relate to feeling like a mum to your unborn baby, too. The pain of losing a pregnancy is real and raw. It is also lonely and often silent and that is why i shared my story – to give a voice to many experiences of pregnancy loss. I am so glad you got your third or fourth baby. So happy for you xx
Thank you got writing such an eloquent piece. It really struck my heart as ive miscarried twice after my son. We have been trying to convict ever since and with every attempt and failure it feels like a further loss…almost like I’m miscarrying all over again and my heart breaks into more pieces.
It’s such a rare thing to know others have felt the same about their losses
Im trying to move forward but I seem to find myself stagnate. ..going nowhere fast
Maryana
Hi Maryana, I am so sorry for your losses. I understand your pain well and the sense of loss you feel. But please know that this isn’t you “failing”. I know it can feel like that when you’re struggling to conceive but even the word “miscarriage”carries with it a very negative association that our bodies have failed us in some way and it’s simply not true. You are NOT alone and I think as a society we need to talk more openly about pregnancy loss. Allow yourself to feel as you do. Don’t judge your feelings. Simply let them be. I don’t think the sadness ever completely leaves us, but perhaps it fades with the passing of time. Hang in there and keep trying for that baby. Most importantly don’t blame yourself and don’t lose hope. Please keep in touch if you’d like to x
Sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for anyone who has suffered through them. I had a dream first pregnancy, a very welcome surprise for my boyfriend of over 10 years & I. A few years later we decided to try again. Our world was shattered into a million pieces when the sonographer said “no heartbeat” at our 13 week scan, the day we were going to tell all our family & friends. The next year, when I was feeling myself again we tried again, which took a while, each time I got my period I cried thinking I was never going to be a mother again. Then a positive. Then another miscarriage. Again at our 13 week scan. Completely broken. This time taking a lot longer to pick myself up. My boyfriend & I decided to get married on our 12 year anniversary. I was scared to try again, but I didn’t want to give up. We conceived on our honeymoon & my Husband, our daughter & I just welcomed our perfect little Rainbow baby into our family, another little girl, Iris being her middle name because it means rainbow. I’ve had comments like “it happens for a reason” & even “better luck next time” but the only thing anyone should say to a person who has suffered a miscarriage is ‘I’m sorry”. They all matter, like you said. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of my babies, all four of them.
Oh Rachael, thank you for sharing your story with me, and my readers. My heart just ached for you reading that you had this happen twice, both times at your 13-week scan. I can imagine how heartbroken you were. But it gives me hope hearing about your beautiful Iris who will never replace the ones lost, but I bet she fills your heart with happiness. Yes, they all matter x
All of these comments and your story touched me. I’ve lost count of early miscarriages of my own over years and years of trying. It destroyed three long term relationships because of my partners’ misunderstandings, but then, in 2008 I found a man who has been patient with my issues, and after five years of failed pregnancies, I gave up. No hope of ivf because, for me the cost is just not something I can afford. But then, one day I was at my doctors office and they were doing a urine screen just normal tests and whatnot, and they said I was pregnant. I said “OK well, I won’t be next week. They never last, I may as well schedule a hysterectomy after it terminates on its own” I did not expect that pregnancy to reach full term. But it did. Without complications until the very end, but we both survived. And though I have miscarried so many times, they all weigh down on me still, and though I know I will have problems conceiving and carrying a pregnancy, I wish to try for just one more life. The experience of having miscarriages makes pregnancy, even a seemingly healthy one so so frightening. And it carries on into motherhood. I am so afraid of losing my son all the time because for me, a child in utero is the same as a child out in the world. Is it selfish for me to keep trying? I know my son, now 2, is healthy and safe, but the fear of losing him is the same now as it was when I was pregnant. Does anyone else have that fear still even after birth?
Oh Britney, what an incredibly tough journey you have had. I am so sorry to hear of your struggles and losses. My heart just ached for you reading about what you have endured; the physical and emotional cost of your miscarriages. I have heard many people talk of relationship breakdowns following miscarriage. What a strong woman you are!! I am so happy to hear you met a wonderful partner and gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Although I do understand that the entire pregnancy must have been fraught with worry and uncertainty. Lots of women speak of this fear, even after birth. It’s most definitely NOT selfish of you to want another. Do try again and believe in a healthy, complication-free pregnancy. But I suppose you must also be prepared for disappointment, too, but I think try as much as you can to go in with an optimistic frame of mind. Please feel free to keep in touch. I will be writing a blog post on “Healing after miscarriage” and I plan on writing on “pregnancy after miscarriage” as well, interviewing others who have gone on to give birth after pregnancy loss. All the very best to you x
Hi Michaela, I read your article on news.com.au this morning and followed the trail to your site. Your words reminded me of my pain for my 4 angels whom I lost through miscarriages. They left me within a span of 2 years and it is still very painful for me to even think about it. I have close girlfriends who didn’t know how to handle when I first shared my miscarriage, it is a taboo, an unspoken grief that I had to carry it on my own. No suitable words of comfort were offered neither was there any support. Those words that you used to describe the pain and grief resonate so much with me that I felt I was brought back to the time when those miscarriages happened. I wish, just wish that there were more support groups to get women to keep moving forward despite the painful experience.
Hi Charlotte, thank you so much for finding me here. I am so sorry for your losses. I know how devastating it is and it can be such a lonely, isolating grief. I think so many people don’t know what to say, or how to respond to pregnancy loss. I will be writing a post soon on how friends and loved ones can support someone through miscarriage. It can’t take away the grief, but it can help to soften it. I think there needs to be more support and discussion around miscarriage, especially given how many women experience it. Can I ask if you have gone on to have children?