It’s a parenting tip echoed from one generation to the next: “Don’t fight in front of the kids.” But many parenting experts believe it’s not the actual fighting that upsets kids: it’s the way in which parents argue.
So how does inter-parental conflict affect children? Is it ever okay for parents to argue in front of the kids?
In my latest article, over at Essential Kids, I speak with two experts to find out when conflict is healthy and when it is harmful.
Do you ever argue with your partner in front of your kids? Do you think some exposure to disagreements is healthy for kids?
I think that exposure when there is negotiation is probably ok as it is stated in your article. But yelling etc is bad. This is even relevant when the child or children are babies. We tend to think that as they can’t understand what is going on that it doesn’t matter but I disagree. I always found my son to be more unsettled as a baby when his dad and I were fighting a lot. Even if he didn’t understand he could sense the negative energy around and this would upset him. We have a much more constructive relationship now as we co-parent and I think this is definitely more positive for him.
Yes, you are right – high emotion is not good for kids and it scares them. You also raise an interesting point about even babies tuning in to high emotion. Studies have shown that even sleeping babies register loud, angry voices and their stress hormones rise. I asked the psych about this and he said that stress hormones are not always a bad thing. He said he didn’t think the occasional argument would have any effect on a child later on, but it’s all in the frequency. He also said that relationship experts are long past the idea that couples should stay together for the sake of the kids. Not so. Interestingly you have said that your relationship is more constructive now that you are co-parenting. Thanks for commenting and sharing your experiences.
That’s interesting about the stress hormones. I always worry about Monkey experiencing that too much simply because both his dad and I have battled anxiety. I strongly feel that he would be more predisposed to being that type of personality because we are so really try to be aware of it in my parenting. I’m totally sending him to kids yoga as soon as he is old enough lol Great piece as per usual 🙂
You are asking interesting questions and I discussed this with him too. Unfortunately I had such a tight word count that I couldn’t include it all. I have another article coming out soon on this topic (on the blog) so look out for it. He did make the point that some children will be naturally pre-disposed to anxiety and this can be genetic. But it’s not a guarantee.
Here’s a little more about this:
“Anxiety can have a genetic biological base so some kids can be predisposed to anxiety – then they are likely to experience even more anxiety when confronted with conflict. Everyone starts from different base. Some are more sensitive than others. Also, the affect of parental conflict on a child can be moderated by external protective factors like another adult in their life, friend, and school teacher.” (Warren Cann)
Awesome! Thanks so much for sharing and I’ll look out for your other post on this. 🙂
Growing up I never heard my parents disagree, let alone fight! I used to think I was really lucky, but in retrospect I think it wouldn’t have hurt me to hear examples of how parents can disagree but still be respectful etc – I think I ending up getting my arguing etiquette from the TV!
My husband grew up in the same kind of environment. He reckons he NEVER heard his parents argue or raise their voices. As a result my hubby is a very even-tempered kind of guy. He doesn’t like arguing or confrontation. I am more feisty but he tempers me. I am lucky – he won’t really let anything get to raised voices, with or without the kids around.
It is important for some exposure to disagreements as long as they are not too heated and aggressive. This way children can learn negotiation skills and know that we as humans aren’t robots. I think it is important for them to be able to pick up on different sorts of emotions. We can’t always be happy and if we are then more often than not we are bottling a lot of our emotions which can also have an effect as well. Children need to be able to express themselves and share emotions as well as adults. As long as disagreements are not a regular on going thing, I think they can learn from it.
Yeah, I think you are spot on Vanessa. Parents are flawed human beings and it’s important not to hide from this. I agree with what you say about expressing honest emotion but not the heated and aggressive variety. Children need to see us sad sometimes too, but again, it’s probably not good if they see us inconsolable or in a constant state of grief. Thanks so much for commenting. I always like hearing your thoughts 🙂
I can say with hand on heart that I have never fought with my husbie in front of the kids. We are not fighters generally, so that makes that statement a lot easier to make!! x
Yes, it definitely makes it easier if you are not confrontational types. And I suppose it also shows that you have little relationship conflict. And that’s a great thing 🙂