Spinning in the garden
People are often quick to tell you that you haven’t reached the most difficult stage of motherhood yet.
As a first-time mother you devote all your time and energy to your newborn baby. It’s a steep learning curve and being responsible for a little baby is all consuming. I remember shortly after the birth of my first child someone declared, “Babies are so easy. Just wait till she’s mobile – that’s when things get hard.” It’s not the most encouraging thing to say to a new mum but unsolicited advice (and sense of entitlement) is part of the motherhood experience.
When you have an infant and you spend most of your day cleaning the high chair, family room floor and saving them from choking hazards, someone will impart the following words of apparent wisdom: “Oh you haven’t reached the hard stage yet, toddlers are the hard ones.” And the mothers with more than one child can’t help but chime in with, “One child is a piece of cake – just wait until you have two.” It doesn’t end there.
When you have pre-schoolers, people are quick to tell you that you haven’t hit the rough stage yet. “Just wait until they reach the fighting stage, that’s when things are really unbearable,” they say. When you have school aged kids someone will undoubtedly tell you that they’re easy compared with tweens. And apparently tweens are a piece of cake compared with teenagers!
Very rarely do you hear that things get easier. Perhaps things don’t get easier – they just get different.
I try not to comment on any stage that I haven’t been through. I have no idea what it’s like to raise school-aged children, and I really can’t speak with any authority on raising boys, although I tend to think that at a young age the formula for raising them is pretty much the same.
Every child is unique and no two mothering experiences are the same. Comparisons are not always helpful, or welcome.
Here are a few of the common comparisons I hear:
“Girls are much harder than boys”
This is a ridiculous statement. Girls are possibly more emotional than boys and they seem to possess a manipulative gene that boys don’t, but that doesn’t mean they’re harder.
“Boys are more physical”
This is a generalisation. My one-year-old daughter is VERY physical and I reckon she’d take on any boy her age (or older) for a tackle. She mastered the most efficient judo-like move recently where she managed to flip her older sister to the floor in one clean sweep. That said, I do know of several mums who you’d swear have a personal trainer they look so fit and healthy. But no, that body is achieved by chasing boys all day long and breaking up wrestles.
“Babies are easy compared to toddlers”
Ask a mum whose baby has silent reflux and spends 22 hours out of every day crying just how easy it is. Or similarly a baby that is a serial cat-napper and never manages more than a 15-minute sleep cycle. A baby is only easier than a toddler if the baby is a dream baby and the toddler is vying for the Terrible Two’s award.
“It’s so much easier with your second”
NEVER say this to someone. Don’t assume that they are having an easier time simply because they have done it before. My second-born daughter was an entirely different baby to my first and if one more person had told me it’s supposedly easier I would have shot them.
“The third just falls into place”
Again – not true. Just because they are born into a family with siblings doesn’t mean they learn to raise themselves. A third-born baby might not take too kindly to being at the bottom of the pecking order and will make their presence abundantly heard and felt.
Moral of the story? Don’t rain on anyone’s parade. Don’t tell them that another hard stage awaits them. The truth is that everyone will have a unique experience of each stage and some are more challenging than others.
What has been the most challenging stage for you as mother? What are some other common myths about motherhood that you find absurd?
great design Mich! Your piece so true – i’m definitely guilty of thinking babies easier than toddlers too – i’m shutting up from now on!
Liz…you can think it…just don’t say it!! LOL
Thanks Lizzie. In your experience, it’s true and you’re entitled to that. I was going to say that babies are certainly quitter than toddlers…but then I remember that Miss J made so much noise as a baby that I worried the neighbours might call the authorities!! 🙂
The hardest thing for me – as an only child – is the innate stress I feel when trying to meet the very different play needs of my kids (aged 4 and 1) at the same time. having them both vying for my time and attention, and being intolerant of each other, can leave me feeling pretty inadequate. But I wholeheartedly agree that this journey, though it is being done a billion times over around the globe, is unique to us all. Sage advice!
That’s really interesting that you think it might be harder for you to accommodate the different needs of your kids because you were an only child. I suppose I grew up in a family (of 5 girls) and we never really had all of mum’s attention. I have often asked her how she managed it and if she felt inadequate at times but she says that the feelings of guilt was not as prevalent in the last generation. I agree that it’s very hard to find an activity that captivates the interest of a 4 year old and a 1 year old. Near impossible!! Although, play dough and paint seem to appeal to most ages 🙂
I think the model from my own childhood – the only child of an only child – with lots of adults for play mates, means I am ill-equipped for parenting siblings; I always feel so aware of what I am not doing for them, and am not so good at spotting what they get from each other – although that is getting better over time. And yes, paint features heavily with us, too!
From what I can see from reading your blog you are anything but ill-equipped at any aspect of parenting! But we are our own harshest critics aren’t we. I spoke with a parenting expert recently and I have a really interesting post coming soon on “what makes a good parent?” and the essential ingredients are very basic and pure. Stay tuned…
What an interesting post – I think it can also start even before your first baby is born – I remember when I was pregnant being asked, “You’re not planning a natural birth are you? Don’t you know there are no gold stars for pain?” and “Don’t try to be a hero, just have the bloody epidural!” I tried to take those comments as a form of nostalgia for those people – that it said more about their experience than it did about what mine might be!
But can I say that I have the reverse problem – I think every stage my son is going through is the best!
Oh yes, so true!! It certainly does begin during pregnancy. And I think you are so wise to see it as you do. It definitely says more about their experiences. And every stage your son is going through IS the best. And you know what, it really does keep on getting better. This week my 1 year old has mastered the art of going downstairs backwards (without falling in a heap at the bottom), my two year old has learnt about a dozen new words and my four year old has learnt not to retaliate when her 1 year old sister bites her with full force. 🙂
Great post! I agree with everything you have said here.
I find it so insulting that a person can say to a first time mother, “Oh give me a newborn ANY day over my toddlers/ primary kids etc etc….babies are easy, Just you wait!”
I have heard women say this to new mums on numerous occasions and in the moment felt like giving them an earful!… but instead tried to ‘buffer’ the comments.
Please people, learn some sensitivity. And we wonder why there is such an increase in post natal depression!
You are so right Hannah – it’s all about sensitivity and being mindful of a person’s individual experiences. It’s so much better to say things like “How are you enjoying the baby stage?” and asking open-ended questions than imposing our own experiences (unless invited) onto someone else.
Ps…nice new blog design!
Thank you! It’s my new look to coincide with reaching almost 200 followers 🙂
Yippeeeee!
Well said. Brilliant. 🙂
Thanks Jacqui!
Like Lindy, I’ve found the reverse. Each stage gets better and better. Just when you think it’s great – it gets better! Having said that, with a newborn and Miss 3 in the house, we’ll see how this theory holds up!
Another great read! Keep ’em coming!
So happy to hear you say that! It certainly changes the dynamics in the house when you have another baby. There’s always a period of adjustment but soon Miss 3 won’t remember that her baby sister hasn’t always been around! You are doing great x
Hi Michaela, my boys are 3 and 5. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said, they don’t get harder they just get different. It’s a wonderful challenge the whole way through I think.
I love that you put “wonderful” and “challenge” together like that. It is very true and I must remind myself that the challenges are wonderful too. Thanks for your comments.
Great article!
I’m guilty of thinking and saying babies are easier than toddlers without thinking what people around me might think 🙁
In my defence I feel like the second time around of the newborn stage was easier purely because I’ve experienced it before and the toddler stage is harder because it’s my first time experiencing it and I feel like I’m flying blind all of the time……..
Thank you Jess! It’s so true what you say about the second time experience being easier, in a way, because you have been through it before. I suppose we will always be flying blind with our first because we’ve never been through that stage. But as we also know, no two kids are alike, and this makes parenting exciting, challenging and often exasperating 🙂
I loved reading your post as I have experienced the “Oh you wait …. blah, blah, blah”! Thank you for sharing your thoughts that so beautifully conveyed what most mother’s go through I am sure!
Larni
Thank you so much Larni. I am glad that it resonated with you. It’s hard enough just getting through the ‘present’ sometimes – so to hear that things get ‘harder’ is not always very helpful 🙂
Thanks for your kind words!
So very true indeed! Treat every child as an individual… Not one is the same 🙂
That’s exactly right Desre. Just as no child is the same, no mothering experience is the same. Thanks for commenting.