Is breast always best?
Recently I overheard two mums in the park discussing how someone in their mothers’ group had her ten-week old baby on formula. Cue: gasps of horror! The tone of this conversation (read: bitch session) was condescending and judgmental. Their transparent lack of support and sense of superiority was appalling. Breastfeeding is neither heroic nor, mandatory. Mothers should not be shamed for feeding their baby, from nipple or teat.
The chorus of “breast is best” is echoed everywhere. And with good reason. No one would dispute the countless benefits of breast-feeding, and breast is certainly the best “first choice” but formula is a fine second choice.
Breastfeeding, when it works, is a lovely experience. It’s intimate, facilitates bonding and everyone knows the health benefits are unmatched. But it’s not always the “best” option if breastfeeding involves ongoing struggle, or it compromises a mum’s mental health. Too often, enjoyment of new motherhood is eclipsed by pressure and expectation.
A new study, just released by the Murdoch Children’s Research Institute in Melbourne shows the pressure to breastfeed is impacting on the mental health of new mothers. The findings suggest that women who have trouble breastfeeding may be more likely to develop post-natal depression and give up nursing their babies before the recommended six months.
My breastfeeding journey
I enjoyed breastfeeding my firstborn though it didn’t come easily. I struggled with cracked nipples, poor attachments and a low supply. But my determination was fierce and with the help of a lactation consultant I was able to persevere for close to 12 months. Back then, I had time to express in order to boost my supply, and having only one baby meat that I had small pockets of time where I could rest. And everyone knows that rest is an essential requisite to milk supply.
My experience with my second-born was fraught from the get-go. She thrashed about at my breast and screamed her little lungs out; it was stressful and exhausting for us both. I felt anxious before, during and after each feed. It was horrible and it inhibited bonding. Eventually she was diagnosed with silent reflux and our Pediatrician suggested we put her on a reflux formula, which I did, but not without some reluctance. But ultimately I felt that in our case, breast was not best. A fed baby was best! Feed times became infinitely calmer and we were able to enjoy these precious moments.
I desperately wanted my third experience to be enduring and stress-free. I wanted to be the mum who breastfed with ease and I placed pressure on myself to “perform” because I thought she was my last baby. But again I had trouble. A severe post-partum hemorrhage interfered with my milk production from the beginning. Still, I persisted, enduring blistered nipples and painful attachments. An unhelpful maternal health nurse told me my nipples were apparently too big for a decent attachment. Her words stung more than the burning attachment. I felt like a failure. My inadequate supply failed to sustain my baby who struggled to put on weight. My pumping attempts produced pitiful results, and with two other children to look after, I simply couldn’t manage it. I topped up with formula and soon after my baby made it crystal clear she favoured the teat over my nipple!
The choices
The World Health Organisation recommends babies are breastfed exclusively to around six months of age, with the gradual introduction of appropriate solids and continued breastfeeding up to two years of age. And we need to ensure that women are given the compassionate support (note to the maternal health nurse who nipple shamed me) to aid breastfeeding. But, mothers need to be supported however they feed their babies because the pressure around breastfeeding can potentially damage their mental health.
To the women in the park who condemned a fellow mum for formula feeding: The shame is on you. A woman who bottle-feeds her baby is not inferior to a mother who breastfeeds her baby. So much of a mother’s self worth is tied up in her performance as a mother. How a mother feeds her baby is not a measure of her performance. It’s so much more than that. Guilt is unhelpful and unnecessary, and shame is unjustified and abhorrent.
Did you breastfeed? How did you find it? Have you ever been breast or bottle shamed?
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I breastfed my first two babies until they were around 10 months old but I didn’t love it. My babies pulled off constantly and many evening feeds left me in tears with trying different holds and positions to get them to feed calmly. Lactation consultants were always happy with my attachment but my nipples were lip bitingly sore for the first three months and I was continually second guessing the amount they were getting and if something I had eaten was irritating them. My third baby was diagnosed lactose intolerant after 5 and a half VERY long months of screaming and assisted sleep. The paediatrician said my breast milk would not have worked with her even though I had tried going off all dairy myself. Her first lactose free bottle had her sleeping in a portacot, in a friend’s apartment bathroom who we were staying with in Sydney for five hours straight unassisted!!! My 4th baby is 7 months old and I breastfed him for the first 8 weeks, encountering chronic nipple thrush and anticipating lactose issues. So, after working with a lactation consultant again, I decided to put him on formula. I cannot tell you how much more I am enjoying this baby. He sleeps well, is content and I tear up often as I’m feeding him, thinking of the unnecessary grief the whole ‘breast is best’ mantra places on mothers at an already overwhelming time. I have and had an incredible bond with all of my children but I can say, with extreme conviction, that the connection with my ‘bottle baby’ is as strong as it could ever have been. I am finally enjoying my baby and I’m not positive I could say that about the first three before they were about 9 months old, which coincidentally or not is about when I gave up breastfeeding!?
Oh I love hearing this, Penny. And I totally relate to your experiences. My nipples were red raw for months with each of my babies. It’s just so great to hear that you are enjoying your 4th baby so much, and not enduring unnecessary pressure or guilt about bottle feeding. I don’t doubt that your bond is just as strong, and being free from previous worry means you can relax and enjoy your precious boy. And yay for you – 4 kids! I might need some tips from you when my 4th arrives in 14 weeks!!! Thanks for sharing your perspective and experience here xx
I feel lucky. I had a great breast-feeding experience. Loved it! My eldest became less positive towards my breast milk after I was pregnant with the second, but he continued to 13 months. I needed it with him actually, because even though he was hungry he didn’t turn easily to solids and dropped from the top 90th percentile in weight to below the bottom 10th percentile in three weeks when he was about 9 months old. Continued breast-feeding through that time prevented him from dropping into an unhealthy range. I loved feeding my second baby, too. I enjoyed the middle of the night feeds the most, when I didn’t have to also entertain the first, but even during the day, it was a great three-way bonding. He fed until about 16 months, but grabbed a peach out of my hand and helped himself to that at 5 months. I think the best thing about breast-feeding for me was the convenience. I didn’t have to worry about finding a place to warm their formula and carry bottles around, etc… when going out. I loved that I could just ‘whip out a breast’ at any time (so to speak) It’s something I’ve always felt pretty lucky about.
I think as long as you’ve got yourself a loved baby, the rest doesn’t matter. The best decision I ever made in raising my kids was to stop reading books, stop going to parenting groups and stop listening to all the well-meaning advice that is thrown at mothers without any invitation. Without all that noise, I could just enjoy my baby.
Yes, sounds like you had two very positive experiences breast-feeding, Anna. And I could not agree with you more about ignoring the parenting manuals, experts, well-meaning “advice” from family, friends and strangers in the park!! The unsolicited advice is best taken with a grain of salt. Block out all that noise, and trust yourself. Thanks for sharing your experience. Can’t believe I am about to go through this for a fourth time!!
Yep. That’s pretty exciting.
I breast fed my son for the three days I was in hospital only. I knew by day two I was going to give it up but knew I’d face judgement if I told the nurses that so I waited until I left them stopped on the way home for formula ha! For me, the anxiety it brought was too much and my mental health was just more important. At the end of the day you just need to do what works best for you and your family and we all need to stop with the judgement!
Absolutely, Sarah! Isn’t it a shame though that you didn’t feel you could be honest at the hospital. I think this is a sad and strong reflection of how much judgment surrounds the breast/bottle debate. Not that it should be a debate mind you!! Glad you had the sense and support from elsewhere to make the choice that was best for YOU and your family xx
I had a different experience with all three of mine. My oldest daughter was born with a short tongue (like tongue-tie, but with no solutions – I was told to just wait to till it grew!) Because of this she couldn’t draw the milk out. It wasn’t diagnosed until she was 4 weeks old, by then she’d lost a lot of weight, I’d had mastitis twice, nipple thrush, no sleep at all because when I was feeding I was expressing! I put her on formula at around 7 weeks. I’ll never forget the day I decided to give up the feeding – my sister rang me to see if I needed anything. I said YES – bring me some champagne!!!
My son was also a negative experience, not as bad because I had decided I wouldn’t allow it to get as bad. At 6weeks I started expressing three times a day – and from then on he was fed by a bottle. He had breast milk till he was 6 months old, supplemented with one or two bottles of formula. My third was so different and I can remember thinking ‘I can finally understand all these women who say that breast feeding is easy’. She latched on, fed happily – there were no cracks, blisters, bleeding (with my oldest, some days the EBM would be pink because there was so much blood from my bleeding nipples!) – nothing, no pain. It was so easy. Until she wouldn’t take a bottle – and then I just felt like a prisoner, because I’d had that flexibility with the older two. She finally took a bottle at 11 months and I weaned her immediately – she was completely weaned a week before her first birthday. I experienced some judgey women, but totally recognised that it was mental health at stake. I was upset about it not working, but also believed that a well-fed growing baby was 100% on a shrinking hungry baby. Life improved significantly after I stopped breast feeding.
Oh, Collette, those first four weeks of new motherhood sound so tough!! I love that when you spoke to your sister you didn’t ask for nappies, pads or nipple cream, but rather CHAMPAGNE!! I hope she brought it 🙂
And I can see that each of your experiences were vastly different. And that’s exactly the issue here. No two breastfeeding experiences are the same, just as no two babies are the same. Some latch, others don’t, some thrive, others struggle – and there are so many variations of something that is supposedly “natural.” Love your perspective always – thanks for sharing x
I struggled from the get go. My son had a severe tongue tie that we got snipped at day 5 and he was in special care for the first 5 days as well. The stress meant that my milk didn’t come in until we got home.
He wouldn’t latch. I had problems with flat nipples and large boobs (they were at least a J cup with all that milk!!!)
I pumped for him for 3 months solid. I had so much milk it wasn’t funny! Waking in pools of milk and dripping all through the house. If I didn’t pump on time I was very very uncomfortable. And had mastitis at least twice.
By the end of that 3rd month I well and truly had had enough! It was depressing and stressful! So I weaned myself off the pump over the next month and transitioned my boy over to formula.
Now he doesn’t vomit nearly as much and he is a very happy little man!
Fed is best!!!
What a great and refreshing read. Thanks Michaela! The mummy shaming and as you so correctly worded finding a “sense of superiority” with mums is sometimes out of control. Why are we so quick to find faults with each other. More support, less judgement.